Maybe Tonight
by starlight354
Summary: "Did you know?" He couldn't respond, how could he?" Cal/Gillian
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first fanfic. Ever so wish me luck and review! :)  
>Lie To Me does not belong to me nor does any of the wonderful characters in it<strong>

Gillian hurried out of his office. She couldn't take it any more. She had to leave. She couldn't stand to be in a room with them any more. _How could they do this? S_he felt like she was suffocating. She had to leave.

Cal rushed after her. She was already by "The Lightman Group" sign by the time he caught up to her. He reached for her wrist but she yanked it away and turned around. He could see the unsheathed tears forming in her eyes and the anger and hurt hidden beneath them. _Damn it!_ he thought _What do I tell her? What can I tell her?_

She took a deep breathe and slow exhaled. She was doing her best to control her emotions.

"Did you know?" she asked

"Gill, I..." He couldn't think of what to say all he could do was read her. Read nothing but hurt in her features. In her eyes.

She raised her hand to the side of her head and ran her fingers through her hair. She took another deep breath, still trying to keep her tears at bay. _Breathe Gill, just breathe._She looked at him and could see her own hurt mirrored in his eyes. She asked again.

"Did you know?"

He didn't respond. He couldn't.

Gillian felt the anger slowly crawl into her.

"Did you Fucking know, Cal!" she yelled, a single tear fell from her eye. Her breathing becoming labored.

He'd never heard her say the 'f' word before. He looked at her noticing her shaky breathes as she was trying to compose herself. He traced the single tear as it fell from her jaw to the ground. _What the hell do I tell her?_ He glanced over her features again._ God, she even looks gorgeous when she's crying? Okay, that won't make her feel better. I need to tell her something. Think man! Think!_ He still couldn't respond. He didn't know what to say. What would make this okay? What could he tell her that would make things alright after finding out something like _that_? He didn't reply.

She turned around and went to the elevator. She pressed the button to close the door and didn't glance up to look at Cal as the doors closed. As they shut, she slide down the back of the elevator. Raising her knees to her chest, she raised her hands to her face and cried.

Cal slumped to the side of the wall next to "The Lightman Group" sign. He looked up, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was hurt too, he was angry... at himself... for her. He balled his fist. He couldn't take it. He punched the "L" of the sign, shattering it as his knuckles started to bleed.

**TBC... **


	2. Chapter 2

**-Two Days Earlier-**

Gillian was walking out of her office to go to lunch when Cal hurried up behind her doing one of his not so subtle check outs. _Damn_, he thought,_ I swear her ass gets better daily_. He smiled and Gillian stopped, turning around.

"Can I help?" She smiled, knowing full well what he was doing.

"I wanted to know if you wanted to grab a bite to eat?" He smiled, leaning towards her.

"I ummm...actually..." She was at a loss for words. _Crap! I can't tell Cal where I'm going. He'll just tell me not to go or he'll follow me... Damn... I was so close to the door._ She glanced to the door, measuring the distance, trying quickly to come up with a believable lie to tell him before running for a get away.

"Or...do you already have other plans this evening?" A knowing grin appeared on his face. He read the instant shock on her face that was quickly replaced by knowing anger. He grinned wider. He glanced over her form. She was wearing a mid-thigh high dark blue button dress with black heels. He was doing his best to hide the desire from his eyes and slightly licked his lips.

"You were listening in on my phone call?" She was shocked and angry. Her jaw tightened.

"What? I just so happened to walk by your office while you were on the phone and I just so happened to overhear you talking to Alec and..." He smiled wider. "Can't a friend worry about a friend having dinner with there ex?" He shrugged.

"Fine." She looked annoyed and pissed. She started to walk, but Cal slowly caught up with her. "Yes, I'm having lunch with Alec. He just wants to talk, nothing more," she shrugged. "I don't even know what about. He just said 'we need to talk'" She looked annoyed. About him or about Alec, he couldn't really tell. _What the hell does he need to tell her? I bet he's just gonna tell her how much he's changed. How he's a new man and wants her back. What a wanker! Hes just trying to get back in her pants...dress? He had her and lost her and it was his own fault...God if Gill takes him back, I..._That thought was interrupted when Cal realized that they stopped walking and he hadn't said anything for over a minute. Gillian was looking at him with a puzzled and worried expression.

"Well have fun then." He smiled doing his best believable smile he could muster, trying to hide the jealousy from his face.

Gillian noticed the smile was fake but didn't want to ask. _I'm already running late, _she thought.

"Okay then...well I'll be back in like an hour. Call me if you need me." She smiled and walked to the elevator.

Cal turned around to go to his office. _I need to find out what he's gonna tell her. Is he really gonna try and win her back? Naw, Gill would never get back with him_, Cal thought. He went to his chair and sat down. _She wouldn't. And she wouldn't have sex with him. I mean...I don't think she would?_ Cal was getting impatient. _Damn It! How long has she been gone?_ He glanced at the clock. _Two minutes. Smooth Cal, just another fifty eight to go, _he thought wistfully. _I can't do it. I need to know._ He got up from his chair. _I'm just gonna follow her and find out what they were gonna talk about. She can't take __him back, he got his chance, hell he got to be married to her for years. I just need to ask her out, tell her how I feel before someone else gets her. She wont want to be with me though, not after the way I've been treating her. What the hell is wrong with me? I feel like a little boy pulling the pig tails of the girl he has the crush on. Why does she always make me feel this way, why can't I just tell her how I feel?...One things for sure, she's not gonna get back with Alec, she can't. _ That thought worried him, scared him, he couldn't take it.

He grabbed his keys from his desk to go, he turned around to see Zoe at his door. He looked at her slightly annoyed. _I really don't have time for any of her drama right now. I need to get in my car and follow Gill before I lose track of her. Okay that sounded stalker-ish._

He walked past her grabbing his coat from the wall.

"I really don't have time right now. Whatever you need it can wait until later." He started walking.

"No it can't." She looked scared. Nervous. She took a deep breathe. "We need to talk."


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you all so much for your reviews, this is my first story so its a huge complement so thank you very much :)**

**1 hour earlier**

"Look, I need to tell her."

"No you don't!" she yelled into the phone. "That happened a long time ago. It was a stupid mistake that should have never happened." She tried to take a steady breath in, but was having a hard time controlling the anger and fear she was feeling. "Why do you 'need' to tell her? It wont make you feel better."

"I need her to know!" he yelled. He was trying to control his anger the best he could. He sighed. "It's part of my recovery. I'm starting a new life. A fresh start. Away from all the lies...but first I need to fix my old one. I need to tell her what I...'we've' been hiding for years. I don't want to lie to her anymore. I don't want to hide this from her...I just want her to know that none of 'this' - all the fights, all the arguments... none of it was her fault... that I took her for granted... that I wasn't good enough for her"

"Do you really think telling her will make you feel better? That she'll come back to you? I know you still love her." She laughed bitterly. "But she stopped loving you a long time ago. If you tell her this... she'll hate you."

"I don't care." She could hear him taking in a deep breath - another. He was struggling. "I have a family now. A new start. She can hate me. I hope that she'll find a guy who treats her a lot better then I did. I do still love her, but I need to let her go. I want all these lies out of my life...I'm gonna tell her everything...tonight."

She was steaming. _Why the hell is he doing this now? If he wants a new life then why doesn't he just leave and let the past be the past?_ "Are you forgetting the other half of this? The 'me' part of it? What do you think will happen when 'he' finds out? Do you really think that she won't tell him when she finds out?" She yelled the last part. She couldn't help it. _How could he do this?_

"Then I advise you to tell him first, before she does."

The line went dead. She threw her phone against the wall, shattering the screen. _SHIT!...I need to tell him._ She felt the tears forming. She picked up her keys and went out the door.

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><p>"What is it that you 'need' to talk about Zoe? Because I really don't have time." He looked impatient. <em>Crap! Gill probably left the building already. Maybe there is still time to catch her if I run.<em> He looked at Zoe. She had tears forming in her eyes._ Ahhh shit_. He walked over to his desk and sat at his chair. He waved his hand in the air for her to continue.

_I can't do this,_ she thought. H_e's gonna hate me. I don't want to hurt him like this._She stood up straight, breathing deeply. I have to do this. He needs to know from me. She walked over to the chair opposite his. I can do this.

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><p>Gillian walked over to the table Alec was at. He stood up and greeted her with a hug and a peck on the cheek. <em>She needs to know.<em>He looked away slightly. He was nervous. He smiled.

Gillian returned the smile. She was reading him. She noted the smile was fake. He was nervous. She could also see the tiniest bit of fear. _What's that about?_she thought. "So what did you want to talk to me about?"

Alec cast his eyes away, then returned them back to her, 'She'll hate you' he kept replaying it in his head 'She'll hate you', He picked up the menu. "Let's order first. What would you like?" He smiled again, the best he could.

Gillian was feeling worried, watching the different emotions come across his face. _What does he want to talk about that's making him feel this way? _She picked up the menu and looked at the different dishes.

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><p>Cal was fuming. He was now out of his chair and pacing back and fourth.<p>

Zoe got up from the chair. The tears had already gone and went. Her makeup smeared. Her eyes red along with her nose. She walked over to Cal and rested her hands on his shoulders.

He wouldn't look at her.

"Cal, I'm sorry I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for any of this to happen." Cal shook her hands off of him roughly. _How could she do this? How could she keep something like this from me for all these years? Why couldn't I see it? _He was angry with her, with 'him', and with himself for not seeing it. _Why now? Why tell me after all these years?_ His thoughts turned to Gillian._ O God Gillian! Does she know? I can't tell her. I won't._He walked away from her again and started pacing.

"Leave," he whispered. He was turned away from her.

"Cal.." She started crying again.

"Just fucking leave!" he yelled, turning towards her. His eyes becoming glossy. He whispered, "Get out. I can't stand to look at you."

She was still crying as she walked out of the door and walked down the hallway, walking past Gillian.

Gillian stopped Zoe she looked at her. Wow she looks like crap, what happened?

"Hey, you okay?" She smiled and looked concerned.

_She doesn't know, shit! He didn't tell her? She doesn't know...yet, _Zoe thought. She took a deep breath trying to calm her nerves. She ran a finger under her eyes and noticed the black along her fingers. _shit_. "Yeah, I'm fine. I..I gotta go. I'm fine." She walked away. I gotta leave, I gotta get out of here. She walked into the elevator and left.

Gillian stood in the middle of the hallway, confused. _Okay then, that was bizarre, God I hope her and __Cal aren't still having sex. If so, that's probably why she was crying_. She started walking down the hallway again. _I wish she would just stop screwing with Cal. Every time she sleeps with him it hurts him because she just goes right back to Rodger the next night. _She was already to her office and set her purse down when she hurried a loud crash come from Cal's office. She slightly jumped. _Cal!_

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><p>TBC...<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you all so much for your reviews, heres the next part :)**

Gillian turned around quickly and started running to Cal's office the best she could in heels. She opened the door quickly and saw Cal sitting at his desk, feet up in the air, reading a file. _Wha... what was that noise? Something like fell or got smashed? _She glanced around the room.

"Can I help you with something, darling?" Cal smiled. It was fake, but he's well trained enough that nobody would know it was a lie. S_he can't know. This would kill her. I don't want to lie to her, but by God I will do anything so she won't hurt. _He looked at her. She was slightly out of breath and her face showed nothing but confusion and worry. He glanced over her form like he usually does. _She can't suspect anything. Act natural...she looks gorgeous. She always looks gorgeous, he noted with a smile to her._

"Did you just...?" She waved her hand in the air. "..It's nothing I guess. I think I'm hearing things." She laughed, still confused. _Where did that sound come from? I think I'm going crazy._She smiled at him.

Cal smiled back at her. _She looks cute when she confused._ She leaned against the wall, showing more cleavage in doing so. He could see the tip of her black lace bra. He licked his lips trying to tear his eyes away. _What I'd give to... okay I gotta stop thinking of her this way. She deserves a good man...and I'm not. I've hurt her almost daily for the past few months. Fucking 'Mother Superior' What the hell is wrong with me? I keep trying to show her that I'm not a good man, that I'll hurt her. Why does she keep coming back to me? Every time I push her, insult her... She doesn't walk away. She doesn't leave like Zoe did. She stays and every time she does, I fall harder for her. _

"You okay Cal? You seem a bit off." Her worry replaced the smile once there.

"I'm fantastic. So how was dinner with that sodding ex husband of yours?" Cal thought bitterly, his fist balling. He was doing his best at controlling his anger. _Don't let her see._

"Cal!" Gillian shouted. She smiled afterwards.

"What?" Cal said as he tried to act innocent.

"Well it was..." Her eyes cast down to the ground away from Cal. She bit her lip.

"Everything alright, darling?" Cal asked. He wore a worried expression _Did he tell her? If he did, she's taking this a lot better then I did._ He glanced down at his still clenched fist... _then I am taking this_. He looked at her. She was upset and looked hurt. He got up from his chair and walked over to her. He placed his fingers under her chin, lifting it slightly to see him. She had tears forming in her eyes. _Please God tell me she doesn't know?_Cal felt scared. He looked at her. Looked in her deep blue eyes.

Gillian whispered, "Alec's moving." _That's what she's so upset about? Why the hell would that make her upset? When Zoe moved, I felt relieved... Wait, does this mean she still loves him?_Cal suddenly felt the sting of jealousy.

"He's getting married." She looked away from Cal again. _Oh thank you, God! He didn't tell her. She doesn't know. He's getting married and moving away. Now we'll both never have to see that prick again, _Cal thought happily for a moment, then felt bad. _She is upset, though. That was her husband, even though he is ass. _

Cal looked at Gillian and placed his hands on her shoulders. "Hey now. There's no reason in getting upset. It's not like he died. He's just getting married and moving." He tried to give her a small smile of reassurance.

Gillian looked at Cal. _If only he knew why this is upsetting me so much. I shouldn't tell him. He'll just worry about me._

Cal reached forward and embraced her in a hug. He needed the hug just as much as she did after what happened with Zoe._ Ahhh, it feels so good to have her in my arms like this. Even though it is for the wrong reasons._

Gillian gripped Cal harder. Trying to not let the tears fall.

Cal released her and gave her shoulders a slight squeeze. "Hey what do you think? How about we take the rest of the day off and go to my place... get you cheered up and I make you something amazing to eat?" He smiled at her. _Hey and if she's over, it'll cheer me up too. It's a double win_. He smiled.

"I already ate." His smile dropped and he took a step back.

Gillian noticed the smile faltering and placed her hand on his chest. "But I will take you up on your offer." She smiled and Cal returned it.

"That sounds like a plan, why don't you grab your things and I'll meet you at the elevator," he smiled.

"Okay, give me a bit." She smiled and walked to the door, then turned around. "Thank you Cal. You're always good at cheering me up," she smiled. He smiled back and she left. When she got to her office she checked her phone that had been vibrating while they were talking. She had two missed calls and a voice mail from Alec. She pressed play: **"Gill we still need to talk. You walked out before I could tell you... Look can we please just meet up again tomorrow... It's important."** The message ended. _What else can he possibly tell me. I don't think anything hurt more then what he told me today._Gillian threw her phone in her purse and walked out to meet Cal.

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><p>As soon as Gillian left, Cal walked over to his desk and reached underneath to pick up the shardes of broken lamp he shattered earlier, then hid from Gillian. He picked up the pieces of lamp and threw them in the garbage. He walked over and checked his phone. Zoe called five times. <em>You know what? I'm done talking to her.<em> He threw his phone in the garbage. I'm done, he thought. He grabbed his coat and left to meet Gillian.

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><p><strong>TBC...<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you all so much for your reviews they really make me happy! Heres the next part, things are gonna start heating up soon so I hope you injoy :)**

Cal sat on his couch drinking the last half of his scotch. He glanced at the clock. It flashed 12:00. He took another swig from the bottle.

When Gillian and he arrived at his house, Emily was smoking up the house trying to cook something for her home-EC class. It was some sort of chicken thing. He really couldn't tell. It was so burnt you could barely tell it was chicken at all. After getting all the smoke out of the house, Emily asked for help. Gillian and he ended up showing her how to make a proper chicken dinner. For example, chicken that doesn't taste like charcoal. Cooking with Gillian was fun, Cal thought. Really fun actually. They felt like a family and the dinner turned out amazing. They ended up all settling on the couch and watching a movie together too. Cal didn't want to admit how good it felt to have his daughter and the woman he loved all together. Gillian was leaning against Cal and he had his arm half way draped around her waist. Emily kept looking up every few minutes and smiling at them to herself. Or so she thought. Cal saw it and hid the smile he was holding back himself. The movie ended at ten, Gillian told them she should go home get some rest. Emily yelled out, "You can stay the night you know! I'm sure dad wouldn't mind" She smiled cheekily. Gillian politely declined and hugged Emily and Cal and left for home. Emily soon went to bed after that, leaving Cal alone with his thoughts... and a new bottle of scotch. Now that he was alone he couldn't help thinking about earlier that day. While Gillian was over, it was easy to not think about Zoe. About what she had told him earlier that day, but now... that's all he could think about.

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><p>"What is it you need to talk to me about, Zoe?"<p>

She just sat there, her eyes cast down, her expression one of shame and fear. Cal read her and started to feel suspicious. _What is it that she's so ashamed of and scared about?_She still hadn't talked yet.

"What," He pointed to her, "did you do?" he asked leaning back in his chair. Her head popped up suddenly, the fear taking control of her face along with shock. _There we go. She did something. I just don't know what... yet_, he thought wistfully.

_I guess I shouldn't be so shocked he read me. He always could. Not about this, though. Not back then at least._ Zoe did her best to control her face to a neutral expression. Doing a pretty decent job for some who's never had any training. _I guess I should just start from the beginning - the very beginning,_she thought. She took a deep breath.

"I remember the first time you introduced me to Gillian, we got into that huge fight. Do you remember that?" she asked him.

He nodded his head. _We yelled for five hours straight. How could I forget? And then she wouldn't speak to me for a week after that. But what the hell does that have to do with anything. _Cal was getting confused as to why Zoe was bringing this up.

Zoe smiled bitterly "Me too, when you talked about her I thought she would be some old chick or ugly but no...she's quite pretty, isn't she?" It was more of a rhetorical question, so Cal didn't answer her... Even though he was gonna say "she's more then 'pretty' she absolutely stunning!"

"I was at least hoping she was gonna be fat," She laughed bitterly, "but no, she has curves in all the right places."' Cal saw the flash of jealousy, _O my god, is that jealousy I see? _

Cal tried to smile innocently at her, but she threw him a scornful look.

"I hadn't noticed," he smiled. Zoe glared

"Anyway, I was pissed that you would be spending all your time with a woman that looked... like that. I knew you wouldn't cheat but that didn't stop me from feeling threatened or suspect of you two."

Cal gave her a puzzled look. _Okay, what's she getting at? _

Zoe swallowed hard. "Do you remember your and Gillians first case out of state?"

"Um, yeah, the Johnson's case in Texas." _What the hell does that have to do with anything? All I can remember about that case was getting a wicked sunburn. And that was like a billion years ago. at least it felt that long,_Cal thought.

"Yeah, you asked me to come but Emily had the flu... so I stayed."

"Umm yeah Zoe I don't know what your getting at? I really don't."

"Just..." she said a little too loud, taking Cal aback. "Let me finish, OK?"

He waved his hand in the air for her to continue.

"I...I thought that you were sleeping with her." She paused a moment. "I wasn't with you. Alec wasn't with Gillian. It was your perfect chance."

"Zoe, I never... Gillian and I have never had sex. Not back then... not even now," Cal said sadly. _As much as I wish we were but she would never, I'm know good for her... Why the hell is she saying all this!_

"I know you didn't sleep with her...I know you never had an affair..." she said somberly, "but I did," she whispered, almost so quiet Cal thought he imagined it.

"You what?" Cal thought he misheard, he had to have.

"I had an affair, while we were married," she said louder this time, still quiet but loud enough to hear. Her eyes tearing up. Shame flooding her face. "Cal, I'm sorry...there's something else you need to know."

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><p>Cal took another drink of his scotch, he didn't want to think about this any more. His phone rang, Zoe's name flashed on the screen. Cal walked over to the phone outlet and ripped it from the wall. Drinking the last bit of scotch from the bottle he tossed it in the garbage and stumbled up the stairs to bed.<p>

**TBC...**


	6. Chapter 6

Gillian sank deeper in her bath tub and took a drink of her glass of wine that she had beside her. After everything that happened today, she really needed to just relax. When she went over to Cal's house, she had and amazing time. Cal was always the best way to cheer her up. _It felt so natural to be in his home, with him, his arms around me. I can't keep thinking like this. I'm only fooling myself. He doesn't think of me that way. I'm not his type. The women he dates are the bad girls. Dangerous women and I'm 'mother superior'._ She laughed coldly. _I wish for once that I could be one of his bad girls. Fight back. Not get walked on. But who am I kidding? I'll never be like that - what he actually wants. I'll stay by his side and be the good girl like always and he'll never know that I see him as more then a friend. That I love him. That I'm in love with him and I've been for along time._ She took the luffa and started to rub her skin with it. _Even if we did get together... there's Zoe. There's always been Zoe._ She was getting mad. _God! Why does she get under my skin so much! She divorces him. Gets engaged to Rodger and now proceeds to screw Cal on the side. Not caring what it does to him. Not caring about the repercussions of it. What happens when Rodger finds out? It's just a matter of time until he finds out. I'm just surprised she never cheated on Cal._ Gillian didn't realize how hard she was scrubbing until she felt her leg was burning. She threw the luffa hard against the back of the tub. She was angry. She couldn't help but think about Alec and what he had told her at lunch.

* * *

><p>They didn't talk again until the food arrived.<p>

"So how have things been?" Alec asked. _This is good start. Some small talk then tell her. This will be fine...I hope_, Alec thought.

"Um...good, I guess. How about you?" Gillian was slightly confused as to why Alec was starting off with small talk. He was more of a straight-forward-up-front kinda guy.

"Good, yeah, real good." Alec forced a smile. Gillian saw right through it, but didn't say anything. "So have you been seeing anyone?"

"No actually, I just got out of a relationship a couple months ago." Alec flashed happiness and relief. _Is that what he's doing? Trying to see if I'm still single? If he wants to get back together, he's got a another thing coming._

"Good..well not good... good... I just..." _I sound like an idiot. I should shut up now. I really thought after our divorce Cal would have made his move_. Gillian looked at him in shock. "I... I'm sorry," he said. Great now I look like a prick.

Gillian let out a nervous laugh. "It's fine... I get what your trying to get at." She could see that he was sorry for what he said.

_God, I miss that, her just knowing things. Her just looking at me and knowing how I feel._ Gillian smiled at him. He almost melted right then and there. _I miss her. I still love her. I need to do this. I'm no good for her. She deserves better._

"So, I should probably just tell you why I wanted to talk with you." He looked down and poked his food with his knife. Gillian nodded. She smiled at him and took a drink of her wine.

"I ahh... it's actually a few things I've been needing to tell you for awhile now." Gillian's smile left her face and was replaced with a more serious expression. _Here we go_, Gillian thought as she took another drink of her wine. "Well I...I got promoted." He smiled halfway

"Congratulations. I know you've been working so hard for it." She smiled to him.

"Yeah... Um the jobs in New York, though... I'm moving."

"That's cool though... you never did like DC." She smiled.

He nodded slightly. "Well, I won't be moving for another five months," He looked down, "... cause I'm getting married before I go." He glanced up at her. Her jaw slightly dropped. _He... He's getting married... He's getting married._ Gillian felt a wave of heartbreak. _It's really over. He's moving on._ She faked the best smile she could at the time. It was small. But it looked believable enough.

"Thats great Alec, I... I'm really happy for you."

I_ gotta tell her the rest. Why I'm getting married and the rest I've been hiding for years now._ "Yeah I guess it is...I don't know if I'm ready though," _or if I want to... It's the right thing to do,_ Alec noted sadly.

Gillian was still in a state of shock.

"I think you should know why I'm getting married..."

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><p>Gillian stopped herself from thinking about him. She was tearing up as she thought of the rest that he told her. She walked out before he told her everything. She couldn't take anymore. <em>And now he wants to talk again tomorrow. I cant do this. Today hurt like hell. I dont think I can handle tomorrow.<em> She raised her knees to her chest and started to cry. She got out of the tub and let the water drain and wrapped a towel around herself._I wanted to tell Cal so much today. I don't want him to worry about me, or hurt Alec... okay he can hurt Alec a little but I don't want him to worry about me. _thought sadly. Gillian crawled into bed. She closed her eyes as the tears took over and sleep soon came.

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><p><strong>TBC... One more chapter after this, then somthing BIG will happen :) REVIEW!<strong>


	7. Chapter 7

**This is a short Chapter but the next is gonna be...well you'll wait and see :) REVIEW!**

Cal woke up at 8:00 with his head killing him. _I probably shouldn't have drank that entire bottle of scotch,_ he thought. He rolled off his bed and fell on the ground. "Ouch…that was stupid." He slowly stood up and walked down the stairs to the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator and got himself a glass of orange juice. He noticed the note on the counter top. **Hey dad went to school, you were still asleep so I didn't wake you. I'm spending the night at Christina's house. I'll see you tomorrow. I'll call. By the way, mom called, she said it was important and for you to call her. Love you! **

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><p>Cal got dressed and got in his car to go to work. He kept thinking of what Zoe said. He kept replaying it in his mind. <em>Why couldn't I see that she was cheating back then? How could she hide the fact that she was having an affair from me? <em>Cal gripped the wheel harder. T_oday's gonna be hard. Gillian will be able to see that I'm hiding something from her. But it's better she doesn't know isn't it? I hate lying to her, but sometimes a little lie is better then a horrible truth_. He parked his car and walked to the elevator. He noticed Zoe's car in the lot. _shit._

Cal by his office. Zoe was already there seating on his couch. Cal quickly ran past his door and jogged into Gillian's office. He quickly closed her door.

"Good morning." She beamed a smile. He turned around to see Gillian at her desk. She looked gorgeous as always. She was wearing a tan, no sleeve, knee length dress that hugged her perfectly like it was made for her. Her was hair lightly curled, her make up was perfection. He tilted his head, studying her carefully. He could see the extra bit of concealer under her eyes. _Last night was hard for her. She must not have gotten enough sleep or any at all. But my God, she looks absolutely stunning._He licked his lips subconsciously.

"Good morning, love." He smiled as his voice came out raspy and lust filled. Her eyes widened at his tone. He lightly coughed, trying to cover up for his expression slip. "So, how was the rest of your night?" he asked as he sat across from her.

Her mouth opened, then closed and opened again. She was trying to think of what to say. _What do I tell him? 'Hey Cal, after I left your house I went home drank two bottles of wine, and cried half the night'?_ "It was.. "_ I'm not gonna lie to him._"It was… it was hard, but I'll be fine." She smiled lightly, trying to show him she was gonna be OK, but could see the concern in his face. "Cal I'm fine… I'll be OK." She raised her shoulders.

Cal slightly nodded. He could still see the hurt in her eyes that had been there since last night. _That's it, I'm not telling her about this... ever._

"I know you'll be fine but… can you blame me for worrying, darling?" He smiled. She smiled back, but it was immediately wiped from her face and replaced with concern, confusion and… contempt. _Contempt? _Cal thought and looked behind him.

"Zoe?" he said tightly.

"Cal we still need to talk"

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><p><strong>TBC...<strong>


	8. Chapter 8

Gillian looked at Zoe with her weary expression, her disheveld appearance, the dark bags under her eyes, and her make up less then perfect. _Wow, how bad was their argument last night?_Gillian thought as she suddenly felt bad for Zoe looking at her with concern. Zoe wouldn't look at Gillian. She kept her eyes on Cal.

"I'm sorry, love, but Gillian and I were just having a very serious conversation and would not like to be disturbed." Cal turned back to Gillian and smiled. Zoe quickly looked at Gillian and averted her eyes. She flashed an expression of shame then returned it to a controlled neutral one, looking back at Cal. Gillian felt puzzled. _Shame? What is she so ashamed about and why was it only when she looked at me?_

"Cal…" her voice broke, "would you please just talk to me." Zoe glanced back up to Gillian. Shame again. Gillian was looking more and more puzzled and worried it seemed.

He looked at her. She was doing a piss poor job at composing herself. Zoe had tears forming in her eyes. _I need to get her out of here before Gillian notices_… That thought was interrupted when Gillian spoke in a concerned tone.

"Zoe, is everything alright?" She looked at Zoe. She was trying to compose herself, Gillian noted.

Zoe didn't speak, she just stared at Cal. Zoe opened her mouth to say something, but Cal spoke first.

"Zoe will be fine...we just need to talk. Right, darling?" Cal said through gritted teeth. Zoe nodded her head and turned around and started to walk back to Cal's office.

"I'll be back in a bit. You know how it is with Zoe. Always drama," he smiled to Gillian. She nodded a bit._ What the hell is going on between those two?_She got up from her chair and walked over to Cal.

"Is there something still going on between you two?" She tilted her head, reading him. Cal thought he saw jealousy. _No she can't be jealous. I must have imagined it_, Cal thought.

"God, no!" he laughed nervously.

"Well, is there something your not telling me?" She took a step closer. "Because she kept looking at me like I shot her dog." She had a bewildered expression on her face.

"No, of course not, love." He lied. "You know I would tell you."

Gillian examined his face. She couldn't see any signs of deception there.

"Ok then. I'm just concerned about you. I don't want to see you get hurt."

"It's nothing Gill. It's just drama. It's just... Zoe." He laughed and turned around to leave. Before looking at Gillian, she laughed a bit but still looked concerned.

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><p>Cal walked to his office and slammed the door shut.<p>

"What the hell do you think you doing?" Cal yelled.

"I'm sorry Cal I just needed to tell you... everything." Zoe looked at him. He was angry, snarling at her.

"I can't... I can't take this anymore. I can't take you anymore. I don't even want to look at you... Leave." His face contorting to one of pain and hurt for only a second, but Zoe still noticed. His face went to a blank expression. Zoe didn't move. Cal turned around and walked out of his office.

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><p>When Cal left, Gillian went back to her desk to finish her paperwork, when she heard...<p>

"Gillian," Alec said as he stood by her door.

"Alec! What... what are you doing here?" Gillian asked. _He needs to leave. I finally stopped thinking about him for a couple hours and now he's back! I can't do this._

"You left before I could tell you everything else," he said sadly.

"I can't... I can't stand to hear any more from you..." Tears were forming at her eyes as she thought about what he told her at lunch yesterday. "I'm... I'm sorry I have to go," her voice broke. She got up from her desk and walked out the door, Alec following close behind. She could see Cal coming out of his office. He looked angry... and hurt. _Ohhh Cal what has she done to you?_Zoe walked quickly after him and grabbed his shoulder.

"Cal please just talk to me!" Zoe half yelled, tears pooling in her eyes. Gillian kept walking and was now a few feet away from Cal. _God, I just want to hug him right now. She's such a bitch. Why does she keep doing this? I knew she would hurt him again._She was about to talk when Alec caught up to her.

"Gillian please just talk to me!" Alec said, Cal looked at Alec, his eyes widened._ I should punch the crap out of that fuckin' bastard. _Cal looked at Gillian. She looked more concerned about him then she did about Alec being there.

There was pause, like time stopped for a second. Zoe looked at Alec. Alec looked at Zoe. Shame, shock, and fear flooded their faces. Gillian looked between the two as they both cut their eyes away.

"What was that?" Gillian asked.

"What was what?" Alec asked, not looking even within ten feet of Zoe.

"That look? That look you just gave each other?"

"It was nothing...it was just a look," Alec said.

"Two people can look at each other," Zoe added.

"Not like that they can't," Gillian said. She looked at Zoe and the shame was there again, stronger. She looked at Alec. He wouldn't look at her. She was getting worried and scared. She looked at Cal. He opened his mouth to try and speak but nothing came out. _Shit, she's gonna know. She's gonna know I knew it and hid it from her. Just tell her now. If I tell her it won't be as bad as them telling her, maybe? _Cal opened his mouth to talk but Zoe was first.

"Gillian I'm so sorry." Zoe said. She was about to cry. Her voice was shaky as it came out.

"Sorry about what?" Gillian asked confused.

"...I'm so sorry" Zoe said as she looked at Gillian. A switch was turned on inside of Gillian. She could actually feel her heart breaking. She shook her head. _No, please God no_. Her eyes started to water. She turned and went into Cal's office.

Cal quickly followed her. _Fuck! She knows. What do I do? What do I tell her?_

Gillian started pacing. Alec and Zoe entered the office with looks of shame painted on there faces.

"When?" she asked.

"When what?" Alec asked. He knew what she was really asking but couldn't come to actually saying it.

"Jesus Christ Alec!" Zoe yelled. "She knows! She fucking knows! Are you happy now?" Tears were falling down her face. "Now they both know."

"When?" Gillian asked, her voice breaking. "Was it when we were still married?" She gestured between Alec and herself.

Zoe nodded.

"When you were still married to Cal?" she asked in a soft tone.

Zoe nodded again.

"You cheated on Cal?" Gillian yelled, shocked. She knew Zoe was cheating on Rodger with Cal but never thought that she would actually cheat on Cal. With her husband of all people, Gillian noted bitterly.

Again, Zoe nodded.

"Fuck... Gillian, I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. It just happened," Alec said as he walked over to Gillian, placing his hands on her shoulders in a comforting gesture.

"Of all people... you had to go and screw Zoe?" she whispered. she abruptly shook his hands from her. "ZOE!" she yelled this time. She looked over to Cal. His expression blank. Controlled. _Did he know? _

He was looking at his feet. He couldn't look at her. Didn't want to see so much hurt in her eyes. It would kill him.

_He knew, didn't he? He knew and he didn't tell me_. Tears were forming in her eyes. She walked out of Cal's office

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><p><strong>TBC... you are now caught up to the begining and things are gonna start heating up :) REVIEW!<strong>


	9. Chapter 9

Cal pulled a piece of glass out of his hand. "Ouch." He looked behind him and saw Loker and Torres. They were both wearing a look of pure shock.

"Do I pay you to stand around? Get back to work!" Cal yelled at them. They both flinched and quickly turned around and entered Ria's office. They did not want to be in the line of Lightman's fire.

Cal rubbed his face with his not bloody hand. _I need to talk to her. I need to call her... make sure she's ok… She's not really okay, but I need to… I don't even know what I need to do. What do I even tell her? There's nothing I can tell her that will make any of this okay. _Cal went into his office, walking past Zoe and Alec. Zoe was crying still and yelling at Alec. She stopped yelling as soon as Cal walked in.

"Cal…" she tried to talk to him, but he stopped her. He held up his hand to her. He reached into the garbage and pulled out his cell phone. He dialed Gillian's number.

Gillian got into her car and started driving. She didn't know where yet, she just needed to leave. _Needed to get away from all those liars. Cal lied to me. He promised no more lies and he fucking lied to me,_ Gillian thought angrily. She slapped her hands against the wheel - hard. _He knew. He knew… How long did he know? Was that what he was so angry about yesterday? He was trying to hide it, but I could still see it._ Realization struck her. _That's why Zoe showed shame when she looked at me. She didn't sleep with Cal, she just told him about Alec… but why did he not tell me? _Gillian was upset. She was growing mad at Cal. _Why did he hide something so huge from me? Why couldn't he just tell me?_Gillian didn't notice the tears that were streaming down her cheeks until she felt them hit her chest. Damn it. She felt her phone vibrate. Cal's name flashed on the screen. I can't talk to him right now. She let her phone go to the answering machine.

Gillian didn't pick up. _Of course she's not gonna pick up. I fucking lied to her after I said I wouldn't._He put the phone in his pocket and started to pace. Alec and Zoe just sat on the couch, watching Cal. Zoe spoke quietly.

"Cal we… we still need to talk. There's more you… you Gillian both need to know."

Cal stopped pacing and turned to look at her. "Then talk," he spoke harshly to her. She flinched softly.

"Ok." She sat up straighter. She spoke in a monotone voice. "When you and Gillian were in Texas… my mom came over to take care of Emily. You called me and asked me to get a file from the office. When I got here Alec was here. He was getting something for Gillian too. After I got the file I ran into him. We both sat down and had a drink together and got to talking."

Alec cut in, "I thought Gillian was sleeping with you on the case."

"So did I," Zoe said after him. "We were both angry and hurt. And one thing lead to another and we had sex." She whispered the last bit.

Cal thrust his chin forward. _We we're just doing the case. That's it. And the entire time Gillian was sad because she was away from Alec. _"How many times?" His face blank. He was putting his shield up, not letting them see the his heartbreak.

"A few times," Alec said. He cast his eyes away from Cal's knowing gaze. "When Gillian and you had an out of state case. Every time you two had a case where you were both away. The only thing I could think about…" A look of disgust on his face. Alec shook his head. "The only thing I could think of was you fucking my wife and…"

"So you had to fuck mine," Cal spoke bitterly, balling his fist.

"It wasn't on purpose. It just happened." Alec looked at Zoe. She was trying her best not to cry again.

Cal was heartbroken. _I knew we fought but I never thought she would ever cheat. I loved her… Why couldn't I see it? Why couldn't I see that she was sleeping with another man?_

"How did you do it?" Cal looked at her, reading her face. "How did you keep this from me? Without me seeing it?"

Zoe spoke softly. "I had valume… I was having trouble sleeping ever since I found out you were gonna be working with Gillian." She laughed a bit, nervously, at the irony of everything, but soon stopped at Cal's harsh gaze.

Cal pointed to Zoe. "I can't believe you did this… and hid it from me for all these years." He pointed to Alec. "And you. Do you have any idea how much shit Gillian has taken from you over the years? How much pain you've caused her?" he asked through gritted teeth, his nails digging into his palm as he clenched his fist.

Alec stood up. "I know okay!" he yelled. "I know… I never meant to hurt her it's just…" He started pacing back and forth. "Gillian's always been out of my league… I don't know how I got her in the first place. How she ever fell in love with a guy like me… She was with you all the time and when she spoke about you to me… I could see how happy you made her. How her eyes would light up whenever she spoke your name. I knew that I would lose her," he paused, "to you."

"Jesus Christ man. You were lucky enough to get her in the first place and you screw it up by cheating on her?" Cal yelled. "If I even had a chance to be with Gillian I would thank God every day that she would even give me a chance. I would tell her how much I love her every day. Show her every night and remind her every second that she made the right choice to be with me."

Zoe looked at Cal after he spoke. He loves her. He's in love with her. Zoe felt a pang of jealousy and heartbreak. She cut her eyes away.

"I never meant to cheat on her... I didn't want to cheat on her and it wasn't worth it AT ALL... It was like having McDonald's when you have filet mignon at home." He stopped pacing. "But when you think someone else is eating your steak you get angry and sneak McDonald's."

Zoe throw Alec a dirty look. Your comparing me to McDonald's really? She was angry.

"Hey!" Cal yelled at Alec. "That 'was' my wife your talking about"

Alec looked at Zoe. The sex wasn't good. Really, not at all. Not compared to Gillian. But he was just angry at Gillian and wanted to get back at her.

"Sorry...I'm just saying...I" Alec really didn't know what to say. There was know way to compare Zoe and Gillian. He looked at Zoe, she shrugged her shoulders. The scornful look replaced by understanding. They both felt dirty every time. Felt sick. Zoe spoke.

"Cal...its different when its out of love then it is when its out of...pain" Zoe looked down.

"Pain?" Cal asked.

"I thought you were really screwing her and I wanted to hurt you, wanted you to feel the same way I felt. The same pain I felt..." Zoe admitted.

"I never slept with her"Cal admitted. _How many times can I say it!_ He felt anger creeping up on him.

"It really does look bad Cal, how many people from cases think you two are together or married?" Alec spoke as he shock his head. "Can you blame us for thinking you two were having sex?" Alec said louder.

"I NEVER SLEPT WITH HER!" Cal yelled at Alec. They were getting in each other's faces. Zoe stood up. They were gonna kill each other.

Zoe placed her hand on Cal's shoulder. He grabbed her hand and threw it off him.

Cal looked at them both with disgust. I'm done.

"I'm sorry Cal," Zoe cried out, tears pouring from her eyes.

Cal looked at her without pity, but disgust and anger.

"Sorry just ain't cuttin it." Cal walked out of the office. Leaving them both in his wakes.

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><p>Cal walked to his car. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" he repeated as he punched the steering wheel<em>. I need to talk to her. She should know all of the details. God! She thinks I knew all along and didn't tell her. Shit!. I didn't. I just found out myself yesterday. Ok, I lied and didn't tell her, but that's not as bad as what they didn't tell. I mean you can't even compare the two right?<em>

Cal dialed Gillian's number. No answer. I'll... I'll just leave a message then. After the beep Cal left a message.

"Gill, darling, I'm sorry... I... I just found out also. Zoe told me yesterday. Yeah I did lie to you and didn't tell you but I thought it would have been better if you didn't know. Truth or happiness, love, never both. I would rather you be happy and me tell you a little lie then you knowing such a horrible truth and being hurt. I was only trying to protect you... I... please just call me back." He hung up the phone. He whispered, "I love you," and pressed the edge of the phone to the side of his head. _Why can't I just tell her that? 'I love you.' Is that so hard? I love you, forget them. Everything's just so fucked up. I need a drink._Cal started the car and left to go to the bar down the street.

Gillian drove home and walked straight to her cabinet and pulled out a bottle of scotch. Drinking from the bottle, she gulped down a shot. She started to cry as she took another swig. _Of all people, he slept with Zoe? And Cal lied to me. He never told me. How long did he know? _She noticed a light in her purse was blinking. Her phone. She had a message. It was Cal. She pressed play and listened to him speak. _He just found out... he was just trying to protect me?_ Something broke in Gillian. I_ don't need __protecting. I'm not weak... _Gillian carried the bottle of booze with her as she walked into her bedroom. She stopped crying. "I'm not weak," she whispered. The tears dried on her cheeks. She didn't feel sad anymore. Wasn't hurt anymore. She didn't feel.

* * *

><p>Cal ordered a scotch at the bar. A woman across the bar smiled at him. When she saw him instantly toss the drink back and order another, she got up and moved over to seat by him. Cal didn't even notice the woman until she moved. She was pretty. Darker skin. Long brunette hair. She wore a completely backless top and a short skirt.<p>

"Can I buy you a drink?" She spoke in a strong Portuguese accent. She smiled at him. She was from Brazil, Cal noticed.

"Umm...yea..." Cal froze a bit. He forced a smile. "Why not?"

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><p>Zoe walked out of the office as soon as Cal left. She went to her car and drove around until she noticed Cal's car at one of the bars. <em>I need to apologize. I need him to forgive me.<em> Zoe parked her car across the street and walked into the bar. She noticed Cal was talking and smiling to a woman. She quickly turned around. _I tell him this and the first thing he does is go out and find some woman to screw? _Zoe felt disgusted with him and hurt. She started crying again. _I don't care what he does. I need him to talk to me._She walked back to her car and dialed Alec's number. He was still at the office.

"Alec could you please meet me at Cal's house?" Zoe asked.

"Umm... why would I do that? He hates me and has every right to."

"Because I need to apologize to him. And chances are Gillian will show up later to talk to him about this and you can apologize to her and explain it to her," Zoe stated._ And I don't want to be there alone._

There was a pause on the other line. Alec was thinking. _I know she won't forgive me, but I know that if there's a snowballs chance in hell, I'll take it._

"OK... I'll meet you there."

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><p><strong>TBC... ohhh things are about to get good people :) REVIEW!<strong>


	10. Chapter 10

Zoe arrived at Cal's house. She looked at the clock. It was only 5. It felt later. She stepped out of the car and walked to the front porch and fished for the spare key she kept in her purse. In case of emergencies. Emily answered the door as she put the key in.

"Mom?" Emily asked confused. "What are you doing here?" God, I hope they're not still randomly sleeping together. They both feel like crap every time. Why do they keep doing it? She felt annoyed at that thought. Does dad really not notice everytime they have sex it just happens to be on the same night Gillian has a date? Why doesn't he just man up and ask her out already?

"I need to see your dad," Zoe said as she walked in the house. Emily really doesn't need to know about any of this.

"He isn't here," Emily stated. "Mom, is everything ok?" Emily felt worried.

"Yeah honey don't worry." She forced a smile

"Do you really think you can pull a fake smile on me? You do know who my dad is right?" She smiled. Come on mom, give me that much credit.

"Fine." Zoe looked at her sadly. "It's not really ok but it will be, but that doesn't mean you need to worry, ok? Aren't you spending the night at a friend's tonight or somethin?" Zoe asked avoiding the subject.

"Yeah, I was just getting some stuff from my room real fast." Emily saw that her mother was deflecting, but didn't want to push it in fear of getting yelled at.

"OK, then, well I'm just gonna wait here for your dad, then." Zoe walked over to the couch and sat down.

"OK, then, well I'm gonna grab a couple things from my room." She walked up stairs, glancing at her mom downstairs. She's acting totally weird. Whatever. She walked in her room and grabbed her bag and walked back downstairs. "Well, I'm going out then. Tell dad I love him and I'll call tomorrow." She smiled and walked out the door and yelled, "Bye I love you."

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><p>Zoe sat on the couch just thinking about everything. How much she screwed up. How much she hurt him. Hurt Gillian. She heard a knock on the door. She looked at the clock it was now 7. <em>How long was I just seating here thinking for?<em>She got up and answered the door. It was Alec.

"Hey. He isn't here yet is he?" Alec asked as he walked in awkwardly. He never felt comfortable in Cal's house.

"I know, he's at a bar... he was talking to a woman," she stated annoyed at the thought.

"Ouch that's... sorry. He's dealing with it the way he knows how." Atleast he's not 'doing' Gill. Alec felt slightly happy at that thought.

"She was some fuckin' slutty Brazilian chick too," Zoe said growing angry.

"Wait, what bar was he at?" Alec asked.

"The one a couple blocks from his office," Zoe said.

"Oh, she's just a hooker that's workin' the bar," Alec told her. Her eyes grew large.

"WHAT?" she yelled. "How do you even know that?"

"I went in there before I came to the office this morning. Needed a drink. She talked to me then told me her rate." He laughed a little at that. Zoe didn't. She had tears in her eyes. She burst into tears and held onto Alec._ I guess I said the wrong thing_.

"He finds out I cheated and the first things he does is go and finds some fucking hooker." She was crying hard. "I don't even fucking blame him. We're shitty people." She let go of his shoulders and folded her arms over his lap and cried there.

"No we're not..." he stated. _Yes we are_, he thought.

"We're shitty people," she cried out as she nodded her head up and down. Alec placed his hand on the back of her head in a comforting gesture.

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><p>Cal opened the door and walked into his house. He looked in the living room to find Zoe with her head buried in Alec's lap.<p>

"WHAT THE FUCK!" he yelled out. She pulled her head away from his lap. "Oh do you want me to leave so you two can finish?" he said his voice full of disgust and anger.

Zoe sat back in the couch, wiping the tears from her face. "So, did you do her?" she asked bitterly.

"Do what?" Cal asked. What the hell is she talking about?

"Did you and your Brazilian hooker do it!" She yelled the last bit.

"She prefers to be called a call girl."_ How dare she get angry when she fuckin' cheated? And we aren't even together. What the hell is she doing in my house anyway? _He walked further in the room.

"How dare you get your panties in a wad when it was you two that screwed things up to begin with!"

"Cal I know your mad at me and you have every right to be... but did you have to find some Brazilian  
>skank to get back at me with!" she yelled again.<p>

"Get back at you? Is that what you think I was doing? I wasn't even thinking about you, darling..." he paused, "and do you have any idea how good that felt?" he paused."And no we didn't. We just talked actually. She told me how f'd up what you and Alec did was and that Gillian and I deserve a lot more respect then that. That the both of you must never really have cared about us to do this." He waved his hands in the air.

"I cared about you Cal. I care about you," she said as the tears pooled again.

"Then you never really loved me. You don't go out of your way to hurt someone you love...I loved you" he said to Zoe."and Gillian...she loved you" he said to Alec, even though it hurt to say." we deserve people that love us"

Zoe and Alec didn't speak. Didn't know how to respond to that.

"I love you Cal," said a low, lust filled voice behind Cal.

Zoe and Alec glanced up to see Gillian standing behind Cal. Both their mouths dropped as they took one look at her

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><p><strong>TBC... short chapter sorry, REVIEW!<strong>


	11. Chapter 11

Cal looked at Zoe and Alec. Zoe had a look of shock and envy on her face, while Alec had a look of shock and lust on his. Cal looked behind him. Gillian.

Gillian was leaning against the wall, her head tilted the opposite direction. He looked at her from head to toe. Her hair looked blonder. It was lightly curled and tossed, giving her 'I just had sex' hair. Her make up was perfection. She had a black smoke eye, making her beautiful blue eyes look even more intense. Her full lips were a very light pink and shiny, making her pout more pronounced. Cal wanted to just run over and kiss them. Her skin looked like it was made of porcelain. He looked further down. She was wearing a short, smooth red dress. It hugged her like it was made just for her. It had two stapes and a scooped out neck line showing off her full breast. It was a couple inches higher then mid thigh showing off her amazing legs that looked smooth and oh so touchable, Cal noted. She was wearing a pair of shiny black lauboutin stilettos.

Gillian was looking at Cal. He could see the lust in her eyes. Her dilated puples. She gave him a shy smile. Under hooded eyes, it was some where between innocense and pure sex.

Cal gulped. "Jesus," he uttered. It was all that could come out.

"Gillian I..." Alec stood up to talk. Gillian closed her eyes and shook her head.

Cal was trying to get past how incredible she looked and tried to read her. Something was most definitely off. _I don't see anything. I can't read her. It's like she stopped feeling at all. Oh, God, Gill..._

Zoe stood up and walked over to Gillian. Damn, she looks good. She wiped her eyes and saw her blackened fingers. And I look like crap right now. She thought, feeling jealous of the gorgeous woman in front of her. Zoe was close to Gillian as she spoke.

"Gillian, I'm so sorry... I..." She really didn't know what else to say. What can you say to a woman that you've hurt so bad.

Gillian just tilted her head to Cal, ignoring Zoe. She looked at Cal up and down.

Cal watched her intently. He was still trying to get over the intense arousal he was feeling ever since she first walked in. Gillian moved past Zoe and walked over to him. She was standing right in front of him now. She tilted her head as she spoke and looked at him.

"You okay?" She gave him a small smile that didn't reach her eyes. She spoke as if they were the only people in the room. Her voice in a low bedroom tone, coming out in a lust filled voice.

"Ahhh..." _Do I lie again? That worked out perfectly last time_, he thought bitterly. "No... I don't think I am." He looked at her, still unable to see what she was feeling. "How about you, love? Are you okay?"

She smiled and shook her head. "No." She let out a small laugh. He smiled back.

He was trying to keep eye contact, but failed. His eyes looking down the column of her throat to the creamy tops of her breasts. He licked his lips. He quickly looked back up. _I really shouldn't be looking. She's hurting._ She gave him a lust-filled grin. Cal swallod. Hard. _Good lord._ He tried to talk but he couldn't even compose a sentence at the moment. She placed her hands upon his chest. She licked her lips and placed them on his. _Oh, my God, you're actually kissing Gillian. Her lips are so soft. This isn't __right, but she feels so good. _He was doing his best to hold back but was failing as he pressed his lips harder against hers and wrapped his arm around her waist. Gillian opened her mouth and slowly pulled away. He looked at Zoe across from him. She was seething with pure anger and jealousy. He looked behind him to Alec. He wore the same expression._ That's why she kissed me. To make them mad_. He gave her a knowing smile.

"I think that's your cue to leave." He looked at Zoe, then Alec, nodding his head to the door. _You sneaky devil, you. You knew the whole time that this would get back at them didn't you? _Cal thought, proud of Gillian. She hid it so well.

Zoe took a sharp intake of breath as the tears kept falling. _That bastard. He didn't screw the hooker, but he'll sure as hell screw Gillian. Bastard! _She turned around sharply and angrily left with Alec soon behind her.

Cal watched as Zoe and Alec both left - both very pissed and very jealous. He looked back at Gillian and smiled.

"That was brilliant, darling." He watched her with a smile on his face. Her face still blank. She moved closer to him again.

"What was?" she asked. He looked at her quizzically.

"Kissing me to piss them off. It worked perfectly," he laughed. Gillian did not. She just kept reading Cal's face and placed her hands back on his chest.

"That wasn't for them, Cal," she spoke softly, the lustful tone still there as she looked down his body and back up.

"Then why -" Cal was interrupted as Gillian placed her lips back on Cal.

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><p><strong>TBC... Short Chapter but there is more to come soon. REVIEW! <strong>


	12. Chapter 12

**Thank you all so much for your reviews and in return I bring you the next chapter, Injoy :)**

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><p>Cal kissed her back again. Harder. She opened her mouth to him, her tongue brushing past his lips begging for entrance. He opened his mouth to her and wrapped his arm closer around her until their bodies were completely touching. He brushed his tongue against hers. She let out a moan.<p>

_This is so wrong. She's hurting. She's not herself, but my God she can kiss,_ Cal thought as he tried to stop kissing her, but couldn't. She raised her arms until they wrapped over his shoulders._ I can't do this to her. She'll regret it... This is all out of anger. Out of pain. I can't... I shouldn't... Even though I want to..._

He stopped kissing her and looked at her. Her face was painfully blank, no emotions were there. He placed his hand on her cheek and slid his fingers down the length of her jaw and back. He looked at her, his face full of concern and love.

"Your hurting." He gave her a small smile of reassurance and shook his head softly._ I won't do this to her._She rubbed her lips across his thumb, taking the tip of it in her mouth and grazing it with her teeth. Feeling a over powering urge of arousal shoot through him, he bit his lip and did his best not to react.

"Make me stop hurting," Gillian spoke softly. She slid her hands off his shoulders and rubbed her hands up and down his chest. She licked the tip of his thumb slightly and let it fall from her mouth.

_God help me._He read her face. It was as if her face was washed of any emotions.

"You don't want that," Cal stated. _I can't. She's hurting now, but in the morning she'll hate herself... Or me and I don't think I could handle that. I love her too much to do this to her.  
><em>  
>She licked her lips and dragged her hands down his body, letting her fingers graze against his fly, causing his body to shake. She let out a grin and slid her hand back up to his chest.<p>

"Yes... I do..." She pressed her lips to his again. He pulled back.

"You don't know what you want right now," he stated as he tried to still her hands that roamed his chest. _She needs to stop that or I'm not going to be able to stop myself anymore._He held onto her hands tightly. She grinned at him.

"Your wrong." She slid her hands from his grasp. She pushed him back until he hit the wall and ran her hands down his lower body again.

Biting his lip, a pained expression was on his face as he tried to compose himself.

She spoke again in a low whisper. "I know exactly what I want."

He gulped as she licked her lips again, running her tongue against her lower lip leaving her mouth lightly open. She slowly closed her mouth and pushed her body against his and slowly unbuttoned his shirt. _Oh God_. He groaned, his body growing tense as she kissed his chest after every button, running her lips across his bare chest. She ground her hips into his._ I can't take it any more. _He stopped her movements. She was halfway down his chest. He grabbed her roughly around the waist and turned her around until she was pressed against the wall. He kissed her hard and passionately as she kissed him back with even more passion. He was kissing down the colomn of her neck, down the front of her chest until he got to her breast. She moaned loudly as he pressed her even harder into the wall. She grabbed at the back of his neck and pulled him up until there lips met. She kissed him long, hard and full of lust. He grabbed her thigh and raised them as she wrapped her legs around him. He pushed her against the wall again as he kissed her. She ran her hands up and down his back. He pulled the two of them away from the wall and carried her up the stairs and to his bedroom, kissing her on the way up.

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><p>He closed the door behind them and he sat her on the edge of the bed. Her legs dropped from around his waist and she pulled him up her body onto the bed. He climbed up her body and rested his weight on his elbows. Gillian gasped as he placed his hand on the inside of her thigh. He smiled at that. He ran his fingers up and down the inside of her legs. Looking at her face, he saw that the emotionless face that was once there was replaced by one of intense arousal... and doubt. Cal stilled his movements.<p>

_Damn it_... She quickly hid the doubt, but Cal already read it. He slid off of her body and stood up above the bed.

"This is wrong... you... you don't want this... this." He pointed to her moving his finger in a circle. She slid her body to the edge of the bed. "This is all just your pain talking, darling... The hurt."

_I'm really gonna need a cold shower after this_, he thought as he tried to keep his thoughts away from her. He looked at Gillian. Her face was back to the nothingness that was once there. It scared him to see her this way. She slid of the bed and stood up to him, her breast pressing against his chest. She turned his body around so that he was standing at the end of the bed. She pushed his shoulders down until he sat down. He looked up at her, trying to read what she was thinking, what she was going to do next. Nothing, he read nothing and that scared him.

"Gill..." She backed away from him a bit and stood before him. She raised her hands to the straps of her dress and pulled them down, letting the dress pool around her hips. He took a look at her full breast, cupped in the red lace of her bra that looked as though it had been painted on her. His eyes trailed down her flat toned stomach. He swallowed hard and looked at her.

Cal watched as the controlled face she wore broke and was replaced by one of pure hurt, sadness, anger, and lust. She took a deep breath as Cal did his best not to stare at her chest. She placed her hands on his shoulders, his eyes showing the unsheed tears.

As she spoke her voice broke. "I'm tired... of hurting... of not having any control..." She paused. Her face turned blank again as an inner battle raged inside of her. She spoke again. "I just need to feel."

Cal's heart broke as he listened to her speak and watched the tears glistening in her eyes. _God, Gill I wish I could make you feel better... but I won't do that to you. I won't take advantage of you. I care about you too much. I love you too much._

Gillian looked him in the eyes. She raised her hands to the dress that was bunched around her waist and slowly pulled it down. It slid off of her hips and collected around her heels. Cal couldn't help himself as his eyes cast down her toned stomach to her perfectly round hips, to the matching red lace boy cut underwear she was wearing.

_God Lord, her body is amazing. shit. I can't keep looking. This is so wrong, but my God, her ass... Football. Think about football._Gillian placed her hands on his shoulders. Cal turned his head. He looked away. He wouldn't look at her or her body. Gillian put a hand on his cheek, turning his head so he was looking at her.

"Look at me," Gillian whispered. She rubbed his face with the palm of her hand. _Her hands are so warm... No this is wrong._He placed his hand on top of hers.

"I can't," Cal said softly.

"Why not?" Gillian asked. She sounded hurt even though her face gave nothing away.

"I won't use you like that, love... I can't." He looked away after he spoke.

Gillian leaned closer to him. "I want you to. I want you to look." She reached down and grabbed his hands and placed them on her hips. "I want you to touch."

He grasped her hips. They were tight, smooth and perfectly round.

"Your hurting, darling... I won't take advantage of you." He looked her straight in the eyes.

Gillian looked away and back. She looked angry and hurt. "Do you just not like me like that? Not think of me that way? Am I ugly or fat or what?" The way she spoke was painful to hear. Cal looked at her in shock. _Is she really so insecure about the way she looks now? After all this because of Alec cheating? She's the most gorgeous woman I know. _He looked at her beautiful face then let his eyes follow down her body. He looked at her stomach. He could see the frame of her ribcage along with the tight muscles. _The perfect curve of her hips. And she is in no way near fat... She's perfect._He looked back at her face. Her eyes were watering as her breathing became shallow.

"You're gorgeous and you are no where near fat." He saw her mouth lightly smile and he smiled back. "And God only knows how much I want this..." He didn't get to finish his sentence because Gillian slid her hands to the sides of his face and kissed him. He wrapped his arms around her as she raised her knees over both sides of his legs, straddling his waist. He backed his mouth away from hers.

"Gill I..." He tried speaking again.

"Stop talking." She spoke as she pushed him onto the bed and she unbuttoned the rest of his shirt. She pushed it off his shoulders and kissed his chest.

An inner battle happened within Cal as he thought of what was right and what he wanted. I_'ve wanted her for years now and finally I have a chance... And there's nothing right about it._ His thoughts were distracted as Gillian ground her hips into his, kissing him again. _Football. Football. Football. shit, that's not working. Loker. Loker naked on a cold day. _He was doing his best to distract himself from Gillian and her ministrations.

He placed his hands on her hips._ Oh God, her skin is so soft. Stop thinking like that._Gillian raised up and sat on Cal's waist. She rubbed her hands up and down his bare chest.

"Gillian, we shouldn't do this. I can't do this to you." He tried to speak again. Tried to talk some sense into her. Gillian ground her hips into his and raised up on her knees a bit.

"That's not what your body's telling me." She ran her hands all the way down his chest to his waist and cupped his bulge with her hand, rubbing slightly.

Cal let out a groan. He couldn't help it. He complimented his own sense of control to not just 'take her then and there.' He'd dreamt of this happening. Had fantasies about this happening and now that it was happening, there was nothing right about it. It felt wrong. He looked at her. Really looked at her and read the intense arousal that matched his own on her features, but he could still see the doubt and hesitation there. Cal placed one hand on her cheek and shook his head slightly to her. He had tears forming in his eyes. _If she does this, she'll hate herself. Hate me. I can't have that... I can't.  
><em>  
>Gillian looked at him. She saw the blatant arousal there, but saw past that and saw the sadness and pain in his eyes. The caring look that was there. The worry. The fear. Gillian's eyes began to water.<p>

"I need this Cal... I need to stop hurting... I need to feel." Her voice broke and she sounded scared. She was scared of rejection from him. _Alec cheated on me. He did this. I need to know it wasn't me. That it wasn't my fault that... That I'm not a failure. _A tear fell from her eye.

"Make me feel, Cal... Make this all go away." He looked at her and wiped the tears away with his thumb.

The battle waged on within Cal. _Do I do this? It's something I've wanted for years. God knows this isn't how I wanted it but... do I do this? Give her what she wants, make her feel better and have her hurt more later. Have her hate me... hate herself? Or do I say no? Not give her what she wants, what we both want? What she's begging for. And see the pain in her eyes all night. Do I say no and risk what she will do after? What do I do?_

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	13. Chapter 13

**Thank you all so much for your reviews :)**

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><p>Gillian rubbed her hands up and down his chest again. He could see the fear in her eyes getting stronger. She was terrified of being rejected by him. She raised both of her hands and reached behind her back.<p>

Cal realized what she was about to do. He wanted to stop her, but he couldn't. A voice in the back of his head was whispering '_Do this. How long have you waited on the side lines? Wanting to touch her? Wanting to tell her how much you love her? Wanting just this.  
><em>  
>But another part of him was yelling<em> 'DON'T DO THIS! She's hurting damn it! This will not end well. She's your best friend. The woman you love. Don't taking advantage of her!<em>' It was a battle in his head. The good angle and the bad angle.

Gillian unclasped her bra and pulled it off, tossing it to the side of the bed.

Cal looked at her, all of her now in full view. His jaw fell open as he took her in. _Perky! Okay, don't say that, but... Wow. I mean... she's... wow. Amazing. Perfect... Beautiful._ He looked back at her face. She looked uncertain, scared, and selfconsious._ Damn it... I can't. I want her, but not like this. _He raised his hand to her cheek and shook his head softly.

Gillian took in a deep breath and felt like crying. _What the hell is wrong with me?_Gillian moved to get up, but Cal placed his hands on her hips.

"Gill... I can't do this. I want you... God, you have know idea how much, but this is wrong... You're hurting. You'll regret it... and you'll only hurt more after... and I love you too much to let that happen." He rubbed her cheek softly and looked her in the eyes. A tear fell from her eye. Her mouth hung open as she took in a sharp breath.

"Alec's fiancee is pregnant..." Her face was blank and emotionless as she spoke. She was doing her best to disconnect herself.

"Gill..." _shit._

"With their second child," she stated. She took in a deep breath again, her voice rough and breaking. "Do the math on that... He got her pregnant while we were still married." Another tear fell from her eye.

Cal couldn't speak. _That fucking bastard. What do I do?He cheated on her with my ex-wife, then cheats on her agian with this new woman and gets her knocked up?This is all so fucked up._

Cal couldn't speak. _That bastard. What do I do? _The war between good and evil waged on within him.

D_o this. If this was any other woman you would have already gone for it, so whats the difference really?_, The devil in side him spoke again. Y_our not a good guy Cal, why make tonight any different? You want this. She wants this. Do this, take what you want._

The good angel inside him spoke,Y_ou love her. This isn't some random woman. This isn't a one night stand, this isn't Zoe. Don't do this. Your taking advantage of your best friend, the woman you love. It shouldn't have even gottin this far. You know this is wrong. You've waited a long time for anything close to this, but is this how you imagined it? Her crying? Her hurting? Don't do this. _

The war going on in his head ended. He knew what he had to do even though it wasn't what he wanted. He reached over to the side of the bed and picked up his shirt. Gillian looked at him, puzzled. He placed the shirt over her shoulders. She let out a little smile to him. It was genuine, _thank God_, Cal thought. He hadn't seen a real smile from her in a long time. He smiled back to her. She pulled her arms through the sleeves of his shirt. Gillian got up from his lap and sat next to him on the bed and pulled her legs up to her chest. The shirt was unbuttoned and hanging slightly open, but still covering her breast. Cal did his best not to look. Gillian looked at him and tilted her head.

"So what do we do now?" Gillian asked. She was generally confused and scared._Did I just ruin our relationship? What do we do? Do we just go back to normal? Like nothing ever happened?_ Gillian looked at him, his confusion mirroring her own.

"I... I have absolutely no idea, darling, but for now..." He reached forward and pulled her down to his chest. She rested her head and laid her hand on his chest, curling up beside him.

Cal could feel her bare breast pressed up against his side and did his best not to think about it.

"I'll hold you and we can pretend that everything's alright... even though it's not." Gillian let out a small laugh. She held tighter to him.

"I like that plan," she whispered as he held her tighter. He kissed her on the head. He felt his chest getting wet as tears fell onto him. He held her tighter as he felt his own tears forming.

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	14. Chapter 14

**Short chapter but theres more to come, thats full of epic-ness :)**

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><p>Gillian fell asleep after a few minutes. He looked down at her sleeping form. <em>God, she's beautiful<em>. He raised his hand to the side of her cheek to brush away a lock of hair from her face.

_This is all so messed up. I don't even know what to do about tomorrow... I still can't believe Zoe cheated. I never thought... I mean she cheated on Rodger but that was with me. I never thought she would... not with me anyway. I'm not even that mad at the fact she cheated. Yes, it hurts like hell but I'm more mad it was with Alec. Alec... He had this gorgeous woman at home, desperately in love with him, and he cheats on her? God, if I see that man again, I swear I will beat the living shit out of him for hurting her. Why am I more mad that Alec cheated then I am that Zoe cheated?_

Gillian moaned and wrapped her arms around him tighter, resting her leg between his legs. Cal bit his lip to stop from groaning.

_I did the right thing right? By not having sex with her? I mean that's what a good guy would do, isn't it? But that doesn't mean I didn't want to. God, I just wanted to pin her to my bed; make her moan, scream out in ecstasy, call my name..._

Gillian rubbed her leg up and down his inner thigh, then relaxed against him with a sigh. Cal felt his pants getting tight again. _Crap. Football, football_. Gillian shifted again. She was now laying more on top of him. He felt her shirt become more open as she moved and felt her bear breast pressed against his abs. Cal bit his lip harder. _Tonight's gonna be long_.

He leaned back in his pillow and he finally realized, _I told her I love her... Holy shit. I told her I love her. It just slipped out. Maybe she'll think I meant it as a friendly I love you, not the I'm head over in heels in love with you... like I really am... Would it be so bad if she knew? I mean, it's not the best time or how I imagined it, God no, but... it would be that step forward... _

_What am I saying? She just found out her husband cheated on her with my wife. She doesn't need that much more stress. I just need to face it. I can't tell her all the things I want to say. I can't tell her that ever sense the day I saw her I was blown away... but back then it was different. I knew I couldn't say all the things I had to say. She was married. I was married - well a rocky marriage but a marriage none the less. I still can't tell her now. I've treated her like trash lately. I've been pushing her away because I know I'm no good for her, and she needs to know that. I can't be the man that she needs. The man that's good enough for her. fuck. If she remembers I told her I loved her... I'll just lie the best I can and say 'as a friend'. It's better that way. I'm no good for her. I'm not. I love her so much... but she deserves better then me._

He felt a tear drip from his eye as he held her tighter. He closed his eyes tightly.

Gillian moaned again as she rubbed his chest with her hand. He leaned down and kissed the top of her head. She smelt like lavender and vanilla. He smiled softly._ God, I love her._ The smell relaxed him as he leaned back and inhaled her deeply as he closed his eyes and drifted to sleep.

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	15. Chapter 15

**Heres the next part I hope you like it, REVIEW! :D**

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><p>Cal woke up. He heard heard a ringing coming from his laptop and looked over to the clock. 7:00. <em>Who the fuck?<em> He felt Gillian move beside him. _shit, I don't want to wake her up. Who ever this is, it better be important or their dead. _

Cal slipped out form under Gillian, careful not to wake her. He looked down at her. she looked stunning. Her make up was still flawless. _How did she do that? Most women look like __Alice Cooper in the morning when they keep their make upon._ He looked at her face and noticed it was relaxed. She looked peaceful. She moaned and turned over on her other side. He looked down her body. She was still clad in his black button up shirt that hung almost completely open and her red lace underwear. He felt a wave of arousal hit him._ Damn... I'm really going to need a __cold shower._

He averted his eyes from her and walked over to the end of the bed and grabbed the blankets. He covered her up, causing her to groan a bit and turned more over. Cal walked over to his closet and grabbed another shirt. He walked over and sat in the chair in front of his laptop. He looked back at Gillian with a light smile and turned back to the computer. _This better be important_, he thought as he opened it. He pressed the answer button on the screen and Zoe appeared. _Jesus Christ. Really? She couldn't wait or just leave me alone? _

"Cal... I'm sorry, I just need to talk to you. I tried to call your cell but it was off. Then I tried to call your home phone but there was no signal."

_Thats because I ripped the cord from the wall,_he thought as he looked at her. She looked tired, but put together like usual.

"What is it you want, Zoe?" he asked roughly, anger seeping from his voice. _Does she not know how mad I am still?_

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry, I..." She didn't want to tell him why she was really calling. She wanted to find out if he slept with Gillian and what happened after she left._ I do still love him..._she thought sadly. "I never meant to hurt you, Cal... I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well you should be..." He rubbed the scruff on his chin. "Do you have any idea about what the repercussions of you both telling us that was...? Do you have any idea how much pain you've caused?" he asked her. He heard Gillian turn over and groan in her sleep. He looked back at her for a moment, then looked back at Zoe. She was sucking her cheeks in, pissed and jealous. S_he thinks I slept with Gillian doesn't she? _He smiled slightly at that thought and looked at her, giving a cocky grin.

Zoe looked over Cal's shoulder through the screen. _That bastard goes and screws Gillian when she's hurting. That prick. Hey, I guess he finally got what he always wanted._ She smiled bitterly at him.

"Finally got to have sex with Gillian?" She thrust her chin in the direction of the bed. "That's real nice of you Cal. Wait until she's weak and hurting then screw her brains out. Such a gentlemen."

"You have know idea..." Cal thought back at last night. Gillian kissing him, grinding against him, begging him. He looked back at Zoe, he was doing his best at hiding the smile that was threatening from escaping."I can honestly say, I did not have sex with Gillian," he stated. I_t was the  
>truth after all.<br>_

"What? So she left before you two did anything? She really is that 'Miss Perfect'...she would never do anything with the big bad Cal Lightman," she said, the bitterness rolling off each word. She didn't believe him. _No man would have denied her after the way she looked and acted last night._Zoe added sarcasticly. "If you didn't have sex with Gillian then who did you have sex with?" She hesitated. "Who's in your bed?" She tried to look over his shoulder again but the blankets where covering the woman's face.

"What business of that is yours?" He was just screwing with her now. This is actually kinda funny. Cal leaned back in his chair further, his grin growing as Zoe fought for what to say next.

"I don't know. Maybe I just want to know the kind of women that are hanging around with the father of my daughter." That was a lie. She was jealous. _Maybe he actually didn't have sex with her? You know what I just want __to know what the woman looks like then. Some young __dumb blonde with fake boobs I bet. _"Let me guess blonde, perky boobs, nice ass?"

"You know... you're exactly right." He smiled as he looked back at Gillian's sleeping form. He looked at Zoe. She was growing angrier and angrier. Gillian moaned again. It was louder than the others and Zoe threw him a dirty look.

He looked at her and his smile grew. This is just too much fun. He heard movement from behind him and saw Zoe's eyes widened with shock, anger, jealousy and slight envy. He looked behind him with surprise.

Gillian was resting up on her knee on top of his bed. Her shirt was almost completely open revealing her perky and full breasts. The shirt stopped at her nipples so it wasn't revealing everything. He looked down her toned stomach to the red lace panties to her toned legs. _She's even more gorgeous now then last night._She ran her hand through the side of her hair and tilted her head.

"Hey..." She smiled at him. "You coming back to bed?" she asked sleepily.

Cal looked at her with wide eyes. She yawned and stretched a bit and lightly smiled to him. _That was the cutiest thing I've seen and the hottest_, he noted.

"Yeah, give me a bit." He smiled to her and looked back at Zoe, her mouth open in shock. "Your gonna catch flies, love," he joked.

She looked at him as she gritted her teeth. "I thought you said you didn't have sex with her?"

"I didn't... you didn't ask if I slept with her though." _It was true. We did sleep together, we just didn't have sex._ "Well this has been a blast but there's a gorgeous woman wanting me back in bed and I simple can't say no to that... Bye Zoe." He closed his laptop as Zoe tried to talk back.

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><p><strong>TBC...<strong>


	16. Chapter 16

**Heres the next part I hope you all like it and remember REVIEW! ;)**

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><p>Cal smiled as he closed his laptop. He turned around in his chair and saw Gillian on top of the covers leaning back on her elbows. She had her eyes half open and looked like she was trying to wake up. Cal was doing his best at keeping his eyes on her face and not the half open shirt and the lovely shape of her breast. He stood up and walked over to the front of the bed.<em> I hope she doesn't remember what I said or what happened last night. <em>

"Hey..." She smiled dreamily at him. He couldn't help but smile back. "Who was that?"

"Ummm..." _Should I lie and tell her work? No, you're doing good at being the good guy. Keep going with it._"It was actually Zoe," he stated as he sat down at the edge of the bed.

He watched as she instantly woke up more. She sat up on the bed. "What did she want?" He could see the announce, anger and contempt waking up also.

"She wanted to say sorry to me..." He looked away then back trying to hide a flash of a smile from his face._ She saw it. She sees everything. She can read me like a book._

She looked at him confused. "What was that?" She tilted her head.

"It's nothing it's just..." He was fully grinning now. "She just wanted to know if I had sex with you," he stated simply.

Gillian's eyes went wide, then he saw the flash of a smile. She started to laugh. Cal laughed with her. Her laughter subsided as she leaned back down on the pillow.

"Wow... really?" She smiled at him shaking her head.

"Really!" he stated. "Believe it and she was actually really pissed off, HA!" He smiled at her. _She really needs to button up that shirt because its getting persistently harder and harder to look at her in the eyes._ His eyes quickly glanced down then back up. He turned his head away from her._ Football, football, football_, he chanted in his head, trying to distract his mind from her.

Gillian noticed him look down then away and realized her shirt was still open. _At least its covering up most of my boobs_, she thought as a wave of self-conscienceness over came her. She quickly buttoned up a few buttons and sat up. _What do I say? Do I bring up last night? _

"Cal I... last night... I'm sorry," she stated, not wanting to fully talk about what happened.

"It's fine darling. You were hurting... You still are... You needed me and I'm happy that I could help in any way... even if it wasn't what you wanted." He spoke softly as his hand grazed her cheek. _I'm glad you came to me instead of someone else because it took a lot out of me to say no. I don't think a lot of men could or would have done that._He thought back at how hard it was for him to deny the woman of his dreams.

Gillian looked at him as she thought. _What else do I say? This is so hard. I was just so angry and hurt and really just needed 'someone' and Cal is the best 'someone' I know. I don't even really know what I was looking for. What I thought would happen. I just knew I needed him... I didn't even know Alec and Zoe were there. I just knew I had to see him. I'm glad they at least know now how it feels, seeing me and Cal kiss...but I didn't do it for them, to make them mad, jealous... I wanted to kiss Cal. I wanted __that chance to be one of 'those women'. The ones he goes out with. Daring. In control. Confident. A woman he would want... but I guess he saw through it...he always does... I'm not his type... even when I try to be what he wants, he doesn't want it from me. He doesn't want me... Jesus! I was asking him, begging him and he still didn't want me. Half the shit he said was just to make me feel better, to stop me from being so upset, for comfort. _Gillian thought back to what he said to her. 'I love you to much to let that happen'. _As a friend. He meant it as a friend. _Gillian looked down and away. She felt tears pooling in her eyes. _When I told him I loved him, I didn't mean it as a friend. I love him. I'm in love with him. I've been for a long time and he'll never think of me as anything more then his friend. shit! I just took almost all my clothes off in front of him, kissed him, rubbed up on him... Did I just ruin our friendship?_

Cal noticed Gillian looking away, saw the tears forming and wanted nothing more then to kiss them away. _But I can't do that... not now, not after last night, not after everything. _He reached his hand out and placed his fingers under her chin and lifted it to so she was facing him.

"Hey, darling, enough of that or I'm going to half to start calling you a cry baby again." He smiled at her jokingly. A small smile flashed at the corners of her mouth._ She's still upset about everything that happened, damn it... At least shes feeling something unlike last night. She really scared me. I thought I would never get my Gillian back. My love... Hopefully she forgot about me telling her I love her_. He placed his hand on her shoulder and started to rub her arm softly. _Why do I keep having the need to touch her?_He tried to still his movements but couldn't.

Gillian leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Cal's neck. The shirt road up exposing her bear back as Cal wrapped his arms around her waist. _God, her skin is so soft and she smells so good. Stop that! She's upset and you can't keep thinking like that. She needs a friend right now. _

Cal could hear the devil and angel on his shoulders again. The devil spoke in a thick menacing tone. _"Kiss her man! She's finally feeling something now, and that's sadness. Don't you want her to feel good? She's upset. You can make her forget about everything. You have that power. Pull her down to the bed and kiss her, have her writhe in ecstasy, gasp, moan in pleasure. You can make her feel incredible. Don't you want that? To make her feel good? That's what a good guy would do. Get their best friend that's upset to feel better, right?" _

The angel interrupted the menacing voice. _"That's what the good guy would do? Yes, she would feel good, for only a few hours then she would realize the pain didn't go away. It's still there. She would regret it. It would be using her for your own selfish desires. She's your best friend. You love her... Just hold her. Let her stop hurting on her own." _

He could hear Gillian gasp as she started to cry. He held her tighter then pushed her down onto the bed. He raised up above her, watching as she tried to control her breathing. She looked up at him, tears flowing down her face. Her face showed confusion.

Look at how upset she is. You can change that. Make her feel good. The devil continued whispering. You can replace that pain - that hurt - with absolute pleasure. Do this. Do this... do this.

Cal leaned down and kissed her lips. It was soft at first but became more and more intense as she kissed him back. It became more heated as Cal ran his hand up the side of her body until he reached the front of her shirt. He started to unbutton the shirt and open. Gillian moaned loudly as he trailed his lips down the column of her throat. She arched her back up as he pulled the shirt down her arms. He gently pushed her back down to the bed, moving his lips back to hers. He raised his hand to her chest and trailed his fingers to her breast, grasping her. Gillian moaned louder and arched her back. She trailed her fingers down his chest and unbuttoned his shirt. Rubbing her hands up and down his chest, she eventually slid her fingers down to the waistband of his jeans. She unbuttoned and unzipped his pants expertly with one hand.

Cal slid his hand from her breast, across her stomach to the top of her panties and rested it there. He heard Gillian hold her breath. He moved his hand to the inside of her thigh and slid his fingers against her toned muscles. He trailed his fingers up and down her thighs as kissed her longer and harder. He moved his lips down and across her jaw to the throat. His lips wandered down the center of her sternam to her stomach. He slid lower and lower until he reached to top of her lace underwear and heard Gillian gasp loudly. Cal moved his mouth from her waist, and looking back at her face to see the pure lust there, he moved back to her lips, kissing her firmly on the mouth and slid his hand that was on her thigh to the edge of her underwear. He could hear Gillian's sharp intake of breath as he cupped the front of her. He moved his lips away from hers. He backed away a bit and looked at her._ I need to tell her I love her, that this isn't a one time thing, that she means so much more to me._

"Gillian... I lo... I..." '_I love you.' Is that so hard to say?_ He couldn't finish his sentence. He looked at her face. She was definitely aroused and a little confused. He could still see some sadness and uncertainty in her eyes. _The sadness I can fix, but the uncertainty... fuck, what am I doing? This is still wrong. I need to leave. I need to get away from her or I'm not going to be able to stop._

"I... need to go to work," he said quickly. It was all he could think of.

Cal backed away more and quickly hopped off the bed and re-zipped his pants and buttoned his shirt back up. He looked away from her.

"I gotta go." He walked out the door and went down stairs, leaving a half naked, very stunned, very confused Gillian laying in bed.

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><p><strong>TBC... <strong>


	17. Chapter 17

**Once again thank you all for the reviews, I hope you all like this chapter and remember REVIEW! :)**

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><p>Cal walked down stairs and grabbed his shoes from edge of the staircase and pulled them on. He grabbed his keys and went out the front door. As he started his car, he looked up to his bedroom window to see Gillian with her knees pulled to her chest. She was crying. <em>What the fuck is wrong with me? I just kissed and groped my best friend. Damn it! <em>He hit his hands hard against the steering wheel. _I just needed to touch her, but that was so wrong. She's hurting for Christ sakes. Stop this. I need to stop this. Shit. I just need to get away from her. She needs space right now and so do I. I told her I needed to go to work because it was the only thing I could think of. If I see her again, I don't know if I'll have the strength to stop myself. I barely had enough just now._ He gulped as he looked down at his very constricted pants._ I love her so much. I want to love her. I want her to know. I want to touch her, kiss her but I'm not good enough for her and she needs a good man. A good man wouldn't do what I just did._

He started the car and left for work. Anything to make him stop thinking about her.

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><p>Gillian sat up in bed as she listened to Cal downstairs. <em>What just happened? Why did he... What the hell? I'm so confused. Last night, it was 'this is wrong' when I was pushing for it and today he started it. He kissed me. He was touching me. What changed... and what made him stop? Is there something wrong with me? Or did he just remember that I'm just... Gillian; his best friend, his Leo. He can't do that. I'm never going to be what he wants... I love him so much. I just wish he knew... that I wanted him to keep going. I wanted to kiss him... I always want to kiss him. I want him... he just doesn't want me... Wait. Then why the hell did he just kiss me? <em>

Gillian heard the door slam. She pulled her legs up to her chest. She looked away puzzled. _God, I'm so confused. Why did he just do that? _She felt the tears forming in her eyes. She heard the car door slam and began to cry.

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><p>Cal walked into the office.<p>

"..." Heidi tried to speak but Cal held his hand up to shush her.

"Heidi. Not... not right now." He stormed into his office, not caring about his staff members that stared as he entered his office.

"Ummm... Alec's here," Heidi said softly even though Cal didn't hear her.

Cal walked into his office and went straight to his desk and chair. He barred his head in his hands. _I can't stop thinking about Gillian. I... I can't get her out of my head. What the hell did I just do? I did what I promised myself I wouldn't. shit... What the fuck is wrong with me?_

"Lightman."

Cal lifted his head and looked across to the couch. Alec was sitting on the couch, his head hung low.

"Where's Gillian?" He looked around the office.

Cal slumped across the desk, resting his head on his hand. "I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to talk to you." He balled his hand into a fist, trying to control the anger he felt towards this man.

"I know that... but I just need her to know that I'm sorry. That if I could I would take it back... take it all back-"  
>Cal interrupted him. "But you can't, now can you?" He smiled harshly at him through gritted teeth. Cal got up from his chair and walked over to the back. He hunched over it as he spoke. "You told the woman that you supposedly still love that you cheated on her with my ex wife," he said pointedly. He walked over to the couch and paced back and fourth as he spoke. "Then, you slept with some other woman, got her pregnant, hid it from your wife, divorce your wife, and ask this other woman to marry you because she's pregnant with your second child? And you expect Gillian to what? Forgive you? Take you back?" His tone was harsh and sharp.<p>

"Look you know what... I... I'm just going to talk to Gillian about this." Alec got up to leave. Cal's voice stopped him.

"Do you honestly think she'll forgive you?" Cal asked, astonished. "She gave you so many chances while you were married and now you've ran out." _This fucking idiot really thinks that Gillian will forgive him for what he's put her through. I've done a lot of stupid shit to Gillian and she's forgiven me but none of that even amounts to what he did. _Cal looked at the man before him. He looked tired and worn out. He could still see the love for Gillian in his eyes as he spoke about her and seeing that somehow disgusted Cal... _You don't do that to someone you love. You don't hurt them._He was getting angrier as he thought about it. Alec spoke.

"How about how many chances she has given you that you don't deserve? You seem to think that I'm the only one who has wronged her, who's hurt her and I admit I did, horribly, but you know what...? You've done it to."

"To even compare..." Cal shouted loudly.

"You've done it too and don't even deny it." He glared at Cal. "You know, you're a real piece of work. You not a good guy either. You've hurt her more times than you will ever know. How many nights she would come home and cry all because because of you." He pointed at Cal for inflection. "God, I can't even imagine what more you've put her through since the divorce."

"Yeah, I have hurt her... but she's still with me, now isn't she?" Cal stated smugly. He stopped pacing, now within reach of Alec. There was an awkward pause as both men thought. Both about one thing; Gillian.

"I just need to talk to her, okay? Where is she?" Alec asked, tired of this conversation.

"She's probably still in bed." Cal let out at breath. _She's probably still crying in bed, confused as hell after what I just did. I still don't even know why I did it. I just needed to touch her. Make her pain go away. I've wanted her for so long...its like my body can't tell that its wrong._

Cal looked at Alec's appalled expression along with the anger, disgust, and envy. _That's odd, I get the anger and maybe the envy but why the-_

"You fuck her?" he stated rather bluntly interrupting Cal's thought. It was more of a statement then a question.

Cal didn't answer as he tried his best to control his anger. He shrugged his shoulders instead, pulling off the best cocky look he could muster. _This son of a bitch fucked my ex wife while we where still married __and cheats on his own wife and he has the nerve to_... Alec spoke again before he finished that thought.

"I know you've always wanted to..." Alec looked down and away, then turned back to Cal. "I always knew that you were just waiting for the day to..." Alec couldn't finish his sentence as a wave of disgust and anger hit him. T_o take advantage of her like this. I thought he was a better man then that, at least to her. _"Instead of asking her out like a normal nice guy, you wait until she's hurting to make your move."

Cal was growing angrier. _I actually did do the right thing last night, I was the good guy...for once._

"Last night was the perfect opportunity," he spoke harshly to Cal. "I mean... She, your best friend who happens to be a very built, very beautiful woman, hurting and in pain, needing comfort. Comfort from you." He pointed at Cal for inflection. "The way she looked last night, the way she acted, the way she kissed you…" He let out a deep breath. Cal balled his fist tighter and tighter. "I highly doubt that you didn't take advantage of her." He looked at Cal with a cold gaze.

Cal couldn't take it anymore as he threw his fist straight at Alec.

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><p><strong>TBC... I'm starting a new fic soon, I have three ideas of what I want to do. I made a poll that I would love if you all would vote on which you would like to read next. The polls on my profile and I would really love to know what you all want to read next, please vote, it will really help :) Thank you!<strong>


	18. Chapter 18

**Sorry for the long wait, I hope you all like this chapter and theres plenty more to come. and as always...REVIEW! :)**

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><p>Cal threw his fist straight into Alec's stomach, causing him to let out a struggled grunt as he crumbled to the floor. Cal was shaking, he was so furious. T<em>hat son of a bitch. He has no right. He's the bastard here, not me. Christ, I really want to beat the leaving shit out of him right now. I just need to calm down, close my eyes... Take a deep breath. <em>

Alec crawled back up, standing weakly on his feet. He looked at Cal. He had his eyes shut, a clenched fist at his sides. Alec drew back his fist and punched Cal in the jaw sending him to his knees. Cal got back up on his feet and tackled Alec to the floor and proceeded in punching him a few times in the face before Alec forcefully pushed Cal off his body, sending Cal straight on his back. Alec kicked him in his side, Cal grunting in pure pain, out of breath and in pain. Alec walked over to the back of the couch to catch his breath.

Cal raised his body up carefully from the floor grabbing at his side in pain.

"You bastard..." Alec spoke wiping the blood from his nose. "You took advantage of her and you have the audacity to get mad and hit me?" Alec wiped more blood from his nose. "You're nothing. I thought at least you were a better man than... better than me but your not, you're just as fucked up and shitty a person as me."

Cal got up from the floor. _I'm really getting too old for this. _He held his side and wiped the blood that had dripped from his lip off his chin. "You really need to stop talking." He spoke in a horsed voice.

"It's the truth and you know it... We're not so different I guess. Wer'e both not good enough for her, but at least I have the decency to accept that fact."

"You're a fuck'n twat. You know that?" He laughed even though it hurt his side.

Alec stalked over and raised his fist to punch Cal again, but Cal was faster and shoved him roughly against the wall.

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><p>Loker was walking down the hall caring a file.<em> Is Lightman even in today? I mean what the hell happened yesterday? He's going to be in one of his 'moods' and I know I'm gonna get the brunt of it. hmmm<em>... _Does he really need to see this file? _Loker stopped in the hallway when heard load thumping and grunting noises coming from Lightman's office. _What the hell? _He jogged haphazzardly to Lightman's office and entered the door. He saw Lightman shoving Alec against the wall.

"Hey!" he shouted, causing Cal and Alec to look over at him. "What the hell's going on in here?" _I know Alec was a prick to Gillian but why is Lightman taking it out on him now, instead of when they were married?_Loker was genuinely confused as he looked between the two.

Alec punched Cal hard in the stomach, sending him to the floor. He straightened his suite collar and looked at Cal.

"Your a bastard and you don't even know it... she trusts you and you..." He pointed at Cal, who lay half on his side in pain. "You take advantage of that trust... you took advantage of her." He kicked Cal in the side.

"Oh fuck!" Cal yelled. He'd hit him in the same spot as before. _I'm really getting tired of this shit.  
><em>  
>"Hey!" Loker yelled as he slammed Alec into the wall, keeping him away from Cal. He pulled his hand off his chest and stepped away. <em>What the hell is going on?<em>

Cal got off from the floor as fast as he could. He punched Alec square in the jaw.

"Enough!" Loker yelled, putting himself in the middle of the two. "You both need to calm. The. Fuck. Down." He stopped in between the words for inflection. Loker looked at the two. He saw the pure anger and contempt in both their eyes.

"You know what..." Cal backed away and wiped the blood off his lip again. "I'm done with this... this shit!" He walked over to his desk and leaned over it. He was completely exhausted. I_'m gonna need a very large drink after this._He breathed out. "Just... just get the fuck out of my office." He grabbed at his side. He could feel where the bruises were and winced in pain.

Alec backed away from Loker and rubbed his jaw. Damn that hurt.

"fuck you..." he whispered with his eyes cast away. "She's going to realize when this is all over what you did... and she's going to hate you... Hate you for taking advantage of her when she was weak, when she was in pain and finally see what a bastard you truly are." He walked to the door and stopped as he heard Cal speak.

"I didn't have sex with her," he said softly and in a strained voice as he sat at his desk.

"What?" Alec asked puzzled.

"She was hurting. She wanted to, but I wouldn't do that to her even if she was..." He rolled his hand in the air, not wanting to tell him the details._ He would probably kick my ass if he knew the facts... or what I did to her this morning. _

"Was what?"

"...wanting it," he stated calmly. "I wouldn't do that to her. God only knows how hard that was."

Alec chuckled lightly. "Yeah... I can imagine..." He shook his head smiling._ I don't know why that made me feel so much better that he didn't do that to her. He's actually a good guy I guess. He still doesn't deserve her._Alec exhaled loudly and looked at Cal.

"Tell her I'm sorry, that I never meant to hurt her."

"I don't think she wa..." Cal tried to interject.

"I don't care, just tell her, please." He turned and left the office without looking back.

Loker stood in the middle of Lightmans office, bewildered.

"Wha... What the hell happened?" He turned to Lightman who had his feet on the table and his head back.

"Lightman!" he yelled causing Cal to jerk forward. A flash of pain shot through him as he grabbed his side.

"What is it Loker? Do you have a case I need to advise?" Cal asked like nothing happened.

"You... he... what the..." Loker's mouth opened and closed as her tried to think of what just happened.

"I don't pay you to stand around looking like a gold fish, get back to work." He leaned back in his chair.

Loker walked to the door completely confused and turned around. "Wait, does that mean your gonna start paying me again?" he said cheekily

"Out!" Lightman pointed to the door as Loker left his office.

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><p>Cal leaned back in his chair again and closed his eyes. He soon fell asleep and woke up to his phone ringing.<p>

He picked up the phone and spoke in a harsh groggy voice.

"Lightman," he barked.

"Dad I know it's you. Geez, you don't have to yell by the way. Why aren't you home? And why is the house messy?" she paused. "The phone was like ripped from the wall and there is like clothing scattered... " realisation hit her as to what might have happened.

"ewww dad really? Do just wait until I'm gone to... I don't even want to think about that..."

Cal was confused. _Why aren't I home yet? It's like noon isn't it? He glanced over at his clock; 7:00. How the hell did I sleep so long? he felt the pain in his side and wiped the somewhat dried blood from his lip. Oh yeah that's probably why. Alec's a lot stronger then he looks._ He rubbed his face with his hands. _What all happened? Why didn't anyone wake me up? Did Gillian come into work? Oh crap... Gillian._

"Dad? You there?" Emily sounded worried after his long pause.

"Ya, luv, I'm here I'll be home... in a while... there's some things I need to get done first but I'll call if it takes too long... Umm darling, was Gillian there when you got home by chance?" He had to know. Did she leave? Was she still there? Where was she? And more importantly, how was she?

"Gillian?" she asked confused and astonished. "Oh my God you didn't, did you? I mean all the clothes and the messy bed... Dad! You... I don't know whether I'm happy at this or kinda mad. Geez, I would think you would ask her out first and you know. Date. but..." she was speaking very fast and her voice was higher as she spoke.

"Emily!" Cal shouted._ I can't tell her what happened. It's too much for her, too much for me_. "Nothing happened like that with Gillian and I... just..." he laughed nervously. "You know your old man always at least waits until the third date for that stuff."

"Mmhhmm," Emily hummed unamused. "Then what happened?" She sounded a little scared and worried. She could hear in his voice he was scared as well, worried about Gillian and that scared her even more. "Is Gillian ok, dad?"

"Yeah darling. She was just very upset last night..." _I can't tell her why. Zoe's still her mother, she doesn't need to think of her that way. _"I really need to talk to her, make sure she's ok today."

"Ok...I still don't know why she's upset or what all happened though but she wasn't here when I got home so I don't know. She's probably at home." Emily let out a deep breath. "Dad if you hurt her... again and she's still mad... I would just wait until she's ready to forgive you...or I would grovel and buy her chocolate." She smiled into the phone and Cal could hear it in her voice. He smiled back even though she couldn't see it.

"The latter sounds like a good idea, luv." He smiled. "I'll call you later and I'll be home in a few."

"Alright but the moment you get home I want details about what happened. What made her so mad cause I still think it was you but... I want to know. Plus I want to know why it looks so trashed here because if you didn't sleep with her it sure looks like you did." She laughed.

Cal smiled again. "Alright, luv. I love you and I'll see you soon."

"I love you too... and dad... don't screw this up with her." She hung up the phone and Cal listened as the line went dead.

"Thats harder then it sounds love... I might have already ruined things with her." He spoke to the empty line.

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><p><strong>TBC... this is my first fic EVER and I'm still learning so I would like to thank all of you for your support ad reviews, they really help :)<strong>


	19. Chapter 19

**Thank you all for your support and your reviews. I'm sorry for the LONG wait.I just started college ekkk, yes in the summer XD I hope you all like this chapter and there is more to come, trust me its gonna get juicy ;) A huge thank you to HughSoSexy for your help on this one :) Remember...REVIEW!**

**Now on to the story...**

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><p>Cal got up from his chair and walked out of his office. He went into Gillian's. It looked the same as yesterday, the same file laid on her desk. <em>She didn't come in?<em> He walked out of the office and shut off the lights, everybody was home by now. He walked past the Lightman group sign with its broken 'L'. _Remember to get that fixed_, he was in discouraged at the thought, remembering why he punched the sign in. He shook his head as he left the building.

By the time he got to his car he didn't know what he was doing, where he was going._ Should I go and see her? Is she even home? What am I even going to tell her? _So many thoughts were running through his mind he didn't even realize that he had already started his car and was on his way to see her. _I guess my body has a mind of its own, just like this morning...this morning, what was that? I don't even know. It was like I had no control of my body anymore. I just wanted her. I couldn't stop myself from touching her, from kissing her. God, she smelled so good and felt so good. Shit, there I go again, I need to get my head on straight before I talk to her. _

He was soon at her house and parked in front. He was still thinking of what to say, but still had nothing. _I'm just going to wing it. Yeah that sounds good, you idiot. She's your best friend. You love her. You can't lose her._ He walked out of his car and looked up at the sky. The sun was setting and it cast an orange glow along the street. _It really does look beautiful out, maybe that's a good sign.  
><em>  
>He stepped up onto her front porch and knocked on the door. There was know answer. He knocked again. No answer. <em>Maybe she's not home, we're would she go? ...I shouldn't have left this morning. Who the hell does that? Just ducking out, even though she was hurting, crying, confused.<br>_  
>He turned to leave and was about to walk away when he heard the door open. There stood the woman herself. She was wearing a short black silk robe, her hair wavy, slightly wet and wearing very little make up. She looked absolutely stunning as ever. He couldn't help but smile at the Gillian that stood before him. His Gillian. His loving, caring, soft Gillian. The one he falls head over heels for everyday. Not the heart broken Gillian wearing a short red dress and pounds of make up. He had to admit yes she looked hot, but she looked even more amazing without any of it. He looked over her face and the shocked expression that over took her features. It soon faltered to one of worry. He could still see the masked anger that hid there. <em>Oh yes, she was pissed off and had every right to be; but what was with the shock?<em>

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><p>When Gillian opened the door and took one look at Cal she couldn't form words to speak. She could see the dried blood formed around his nostrils. The blooded lip. The bruising around his eye. <em>What happened to him? <em>She wanted nothing more then to kiss him and clean him up but she knew that things weren't well enough between them to do that or ever would be again. She had spent all day wondering about what happened this morning, what over took him. And more importantly what made him stop.

After he left she drove straight home through blurry, tear-filled eyes. As soon as she got to her bedroom she collapsed faced down on her bed and cried. She was doing her best at trying to think about what happened. Questions filled her mind: Had she ruined their relationship last night? Had he this morning? What was to come of them? She couldn't stop from thinking about him.

She fell asleep crying and woke up later to a text from Alec. It was short but the words hit her heart like a bullet. "I'm sorry. Just don't let him hurt you." She knew exactly who he was talking about. _Cal._ But it was too late. He had already hurt her, and worst of all was he didn't know he did...or did he? She tossed her phone across her bed and looked up at her clock. 6:00. I_ just want a bath. Help me relax. Help me stop thinking about...him._She took a very hot, long bath to ease the pain in her heart. She got out and was drying off by the time she heard the knock at the door. It's one of two people, Alec or Cal. Neither were people she cared to talk to at the moment. Cal more so because she didn't know if she could. What would she say? She'd spent hours thinking about the man and still didn't know what to talk about with him. She was scared as to what would happen to them. When she heard the second knock she knew she had to speak to him, even if it would most likely be painful.

Now he stood before her, bruised. She did her best to control the urge to touch him. She stepped back to let him in. As he stepped in she mentally prepared herself for what was to come.

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><p>Cal stepped into her house. He couldn't help but look at her, take her in. His best friend, his partner, his...unattainable love. He had loved her from afar for years. Watching her with her husband was pure torture. Seeing the love in her eyes when even she talked of him… How he wished that she would talk about him like that, show that much light for him. But no, he was the partner and friend, painfully knowing that every night she would go home to her husband. Knowing that every night they would hug, kiss, hold each other, have sex. All while he stayed on the outskirts of the 'line' because he knew that she was happy with her husband. When he heard of there divorce he hated to admit how happy it made him. He did his best to control his face, to show concern and comfort instead of the pure joy he felt; but he never made his move after that. He knew he needed to protect her from himself, from his toxins, his poisons that would do nothing but contaminate her, hurt her. She meant too much to risk losing her. So he did nothing. He couldn't make his move and he couldn't stop loving her. She moved on past her rebound, and he watched desperately as she went on dates, one guy after the other. Then David, Marco? She really loved him, and when he first saw that spark of love in her eyes he knew he was too late, and it was slowly killing him. She was already taken and there was nothing he could do about it. He missed his chance...again. So he seethed in his self petty and his jealousy because it was easier than actually telling her how he felt. When he told David that he wanted Gillian "in the worst possible way" he wasn't lying. He finally admitted to someone that he did want Gillian. Being that it was her boyfriend at the time...not the best idea. By the time it ended when they broke up, he secretly wanted her to remember what he said in the warehouse. But she never brought it up or questioned him. She thought it was part of 'the act', a lie...god, was she wrong. He never brought it up either so he sat idly by watching her, wanting her, seeing the pain in her eyes caused by another man yet again. He couldn't do it. He couldn't make his move. They had all hurt her so much. Who's to say he wouldn't? He hasn't? But all that has changed now, where will they go from here? What will happen to them? He had hurt her then ducked out like a coward because he wasn't brave enough to confront his own feelings towards her.<p>

Now as he stands in front of the woman he has loved and been in love with for so long, he doesn't know what to say. He can't avoid his feelings when it's what she wants to know.

He stands awkwardly, stepping from foot to foot. Gillian locks the door behind her and turns around and looks at him, quickly casting her eyes away from him. She walks past him, and he turns to follow but she holds her hand up.

"Sit," she says in a low raspy voice and walks down the hall. He doesn't speak back, but he listens to what she said. He sits on the edge of her couch and waits. Gillian soon walked back out carrying a small white and red box. She sets it on the edge of the coffee table.

Cal looked up at her confused. She brought her hand to his face and placed her warm fingers along his jaw. He inhaled sharply at the contact. How he had already missed her warm touch.

Gillian was taken aback by his reaction and cursed herself, thinking she shouldn't be touching him right now.

"Your lip is busted, Cal. Your nose is still bleeding, and your eye is getting darker by the minute," she stated bluntly, trying to distance herself from her own feelings.

Cal brought his hand up to his nose and felt the warm, oozing fluid dripping down his finger.

Gillian sat in front of him, sitting on the coffee table as she opened the medical box. She pulled out white gauze and held it between her fingers as she looked at him.

_Should I really do this? Take care of him? Clean him up? After this morning, after... He's still my friend. _

She tilted his chin up with one hand, and slowly wiped off the blood from his upper lip with her other hand.

Cal breathed in deeply as Gillian's slow movements somehow caressed and eased his riled mind. He could smell the distinctive scent of her from being so close and thought of last night. How she kissed him, touched him; and how much he really loved it. He needed to know where they stood, where they were at. Did she still want to be friends after this, or something more? He had to know.

Gillian continued to swab the blood from his upper lip as Cal raised his hand and took hold of Gillian's small wrist. He heard her sharp intake of breathe. She backed away slightly from him and removed her hand from his face.

Cal looked at her features. She looked confused and slightly afraid. Understandable, considering what is to come of this. She cut her eyes down and away and fluttered them, trying to remember something. She looked back at his face hesitantly.

"Wha..." she tried to speak, but nothing came out. He watched as her eyes became glossy. He tried to reach and touch her but she stood up before he could. She backed away and paced back and fourth before stopping abruptly in front of him. She exhaled and shook her head. She spoke in a shaky voice full of worry and asked the question he feared. A question he still had no answer to.

"What was that this morning, Cal?"

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><p><strong>TBC... <strong>


	20. Chapter 20

**I would like to apologize for the lateness and shortness of this chapter. I just started college, yes in the summer lol, and its really taking over. I would like to thank all of you for you support and reviews for this story, I do it for you :) A HUGE thank you to hughsosexy and DominusProvidebit. Thank you all so much, there is more to come and I'll try my best to post sooner :) Once again... REVIEW! XD **

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><p>Cal watched her as the nervous anticipation crept up into her delicate features. She wanted an answer and she wanted it now. <em>If only I had one to give her, he thought sadly. How am I suppose to give her the answer when I don't have it? I don't have any bloody idea as to what this morning was... Well I do but right now really wouldn't be the best time to tell her that I'm desperately in love with her... Right now is awful timing with everything that's been going on. Not like any scenarios I have thought of... dreamt of. And even then I never thought I would ever tell her. Those were all just fantasies. Every time I have the feeling that I should just tell her there's this voice inside of my head that's saying, "You're not good enough," and "She deserves better than you". I would be like a poison to her, slowly eating away at her. God, what a mess I've made of things.<em> He looked back at her face, she wore an expression of confusion and impatience. _Shit, she still wants an answer _

"Cal?" she spoke sternly making him slightly jump at the sound of her voice. She was growing more impatient. "Are you going to answer my question?"

"I would if I could darling," he spoke softly and looked away shaking his head.

"If you could?" her voice held a sharp tone of anger and annoyance. He didn't answer her because he felt he couldn't, not now. He just looked at her and watched as the annoyance grew, taking over her features. "If you could?" she spoke through gritted teeth, her eyes and face set in anger, her hand clenched by her side. "It's not that hard of a question Cal," she waved her hands in the air as she spoke.

"Its more of... I don't know what answer you want," he spoke as he leaned on his knees with his face half buried in his hands.

"How about the truth..." she spoke softly, her eyes watering more. "You owe me that much"

"I..." he tried to talk but everything he thought to say felt wrong. Everything, years of friendship, their partnership, everything was coming down to this one moment, and he didn't know what to say. This one pivotal moment would change everything. _I cant lose her_..., he thought sadly. _Just tell her how you feel...Show her how you feel._ He stood up from the couch and walked slowly until he was standing straight in front of her. _This is it_. He heard her sharp intake of breath, felt the warmth of her body permeating towards him. He looked at her face and watched as her eyes filled with anticipation. "Ok," he spoke softly. She could feel the warm breath from the word come from his mouth, inches away from her own.

Gillian looked at Cal carefully, so as to not misread what she was seeing. She saw the worn out and tired man before her, but could see the fear etched upon his features with anticipation to match her own. They were both afraid and waiting for the same thing, an answer. _Does he even have one? _She saw something else, something that she thought she never would, not from him. Love. So delicate yet so strong in his features. She held her breath. _It can't be, can it?_She took a slow step back and stood in this state of shocked realization. Her eyes wide and her mouth agape. Her breathing shallow as her chest slowly rose and fell.

_O god, I shouldn't have showed her. I shouldn't have._... He was worried and afraid, he couldn't unshow her something she saw. He opened his mouth to speak but no words formed. _Leave, run, get out of here,_ the devil spoke on his shoulder. _You can see how shocked she is, do you really want to wait and see what will happen? The end of your friendship, her leaving the company._ _You really did it this time, you've fucked everything up. Just get out of here before you make it worse. Now wait one minute, _the angel on his other shoulder cut in. Y_ou really want to leave and duck out again? Cause that worked so __well this morning,_ the voice grew softer and softer as he pushed it from his mind. He ignored the voice of reason, the voice telling to do the right thing. He walked past Gillian and left without a word feeling a since of deja vou.

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><p><strong>TBC...<strong>


	21. Chapter 21

**I apologize for the lateness of this chapter schools taking up my writing time :( A huge thank you to HughSoSexy for the help through out this ch. :D Thank you all so much for your kind reviews, they mean a lot to me :) Here's the next chapter and remember REVIEW! **

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><p><em>What are you doing? Go back in there and talk to her like an adult instead of running away.<em> He didn't want to listen to the voice, the voice telling him to do the right thing and walked to his car. He sat back in his seat and reached in his pocket for his keys. _shit, where are my keys?...they must have fallen out on Gillian's couch while I was sitting._ He slammed his hands against the wheel in frustration. _Maybe I can go in without her noticing or I can walk home. _He laughed bitterly at that thought, _walk ten miles because I'm afraid of talking to my best friend, oh how mature am I. Just do it. I can either A.) grab my keys and run, or B.) stay and talk to her like a real man. _He got out of the car again and walked to Gillian's door again.

The door was slightly open. He pushed it carefully, slowly walking into the house. He turned into the living room to see Gillian sitting on her couch. She sat hunched over, her hand raised covering her mouth as tears rimmed her eyes. She had a look of deep thought etched on her features. She was looking down at the floor but her eyes where blurred. She blinked fast a few times remembering something and a puzzled look over took her. Cal walked further into the room, the hard wood squeaking beneath his foot. Gillian looked up at him.

"What do you want Cal?" She asked a raspy whisper.

"I left..." He wanted to tell her, 'I left because I didn't know what else to do,' but what came out was "my keys".

"Your keys?" Gillian asked harshly. "That's what you came back for? Not to, I don't know, tell me why you left in the first place? Not to give me a real answer as to to what ever the hell this morning was?" She was angry and irritated. She got up from the couch. Her robe coming up higher along her thighs and cutting lower down the front.

_Ah crap, that was the wrong thing to say. But god she looks hot as hell when she's pissed at me. _Cal did his best not to stare but found it increasingly hard as Gillian paced the living room.

"Christ...I felt so bad this morning about..." she laughed coldly, "basically throwing myself at you last night and how dumb I was to think you would even go for me." She took a shaky breath in. "Then this morning while you were talking to Zoe, all I could think about is...you just don't like me like that. I'm just not your type. And I was fine with that, but when I started to cry you kissed me and," she stopped talking and walked towards him slowly. "What was it? Did you, pity me? feel bad for your 'friend' while she's crying?" She was less then a foot away now.

"Gill, that wasn't it..." he said sheepishly.

"was that why you did what you did?" she cocked her head to the side and looked at him, she was reading him. She stepped even closer, inches away. He could feel the warmth of her body on his.

"Why you kissed me. touched me. made me think that you actually wanted me." her eyes where on the verge of tears. "Because you just cant stand to see a woman cry and thought that was the best way to stop it" she looked down at his lips and paused there with her gaze and traced it back up to his eyes.

"It was all just another one of your masks." she said softly. " And I'm the fool who fell for it. Thinking it was real." her shoulders slumped in defeat. She ran her hand through her still damp locks.

Gillian stood there defiantly, looking in his eyes and waiting for some kind of answer. She would have taken just about anything aside from him running again.

He was so close to her she could hardly stand it. She wanted to reach out and touch him, but she felt so foolish already for the situation she'd put them in and how awkward she'd made it for them to just be around one another. It wasn't natural or comfortable anymore. It felt foreign, and that worried her. She tried to read his expression, praying for any chip in his mask. Nothing. She slowly turned around, her eyes riming with tears as defeat over took her delicate features. She looked up to keep them at bay. _I just want to go to bed and cry,or drink _she thought sadly. She walked across the living room, down the dimly lite hall when his voice stopped her.

"I couldn't bear your pain, luv" Cal said quietly, she turned around and walked carefully back down the hall, stopping at the wall and looked at him. Trying to think what he meant by that.

He watched as her mind turned with private thoughts.

She turned her eyes back to him again, anger resonating behind them. "Right," she said sarcastically,she lent into the wall and put her leg up. "So you took pity on me." she spoke the words bitterly.

"No, Gil," he sighed. Struggling to find words adequate enough to explain to her the complicated thoughts running through his mind. He walked across the room until he was standing in front of her."I just wanted to make it stop. Make your pain go away. I couldn't stand seeing you so upset darling..." he stepped closer to her. He spoke softly." It broke my heart to see you so. broken"

Gillian nodded and said, "Well I think that's normal when you see your friend crying." she smiled sadly. The smile left as soon as it came and was replaced by wonder. She looked at him under hooded eyes.

"Most people don't kiss their friends though. Not like that..." she trailed off, thinking back to the feel of his lips on hers. She lent even further forward, there bodies inches away. She spoke in a low soft tone.

"what was that Cal? Because I don't think that's the whole truth, now is it?"she tilted her head studying him. Her full red lips slightly a gaped, her blue eyes hooded.

Cal gulped trying not to lose himself with in her. _She can read me like a book. She always could. What ever happens, I can't screw this up. She means to much to me. _He didn't know what to say to her, he didn't want to lie, so he didn't speak.

"because, if you say you didn't want to see me in pain, or upset, I would have seen comfort in your features. Compassion. Reassurance. But I didn't. In fact, I didn't see any of those." she stepped closer, her chest touching his.

He took a deep breathe as he looked down at there bodies. His mind filled with images of last night, of her. The deep desire, the over powering lust in her eyes.

She raised her hands to his chest. "I only saw one expression on your face Cal" she looked down at his body, then back up.

Cal noticed her dilated pupils and knew his were mirroring hers.

Her voice as low and husky as last night as she asked. "do you want to know what I saw?"

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><p><strong>TBC...<strong>


	22. Chapter 22

**You know the expression 'when It rains it pours' that's what happened to my life. Things are getting better so I thought I would write again. I'm back now and hopefully things are gonna stay this way :) This is a short chapter so I apologize but there is more to come and hopefully soon :) Thank you all so much for your support and kind reviews they really help me to write more. Now unto the story :) P.S. REVIEW! **

"Lust"

He didn't dare speak. He looked down at her lips, darkened red. He wanted to kiss her, he wanted to finish what they started last night, but he couldn't._ I'm no good for her. I won't drag her into my fucked up world. She deserves someone so much better then anything I am, then I ever could be_, he thought sadly.

Gillian noticed the sadness crossing over his features. _What does that mean? Maybe he doesn't actually like me like that at all, maybe he was just swept up in the moment last night_. She backed away from him slowly after not getting any verbal response from him.

He could feel the cold air filling the room as she retreated.

She looked at him and felt a strange since of uncomfortablility. She looked down at herself, her robe was almost falling completely of her, exposing more then she would ever show in front of him. Feeling exposed she pulled her robe closed and tied the front. '_Exposed' describes how I feel perfectly, in every since of the meaning. Since last night that's all I've felt. Stripped down to just the bare...Is it me who made this into something it's not? Who over analyzed it until it turned into something so pivotal to our relationship that any word could change the out come of us. Oh god, what have I done? _

"I'm an idiot," she whispered shaking her head, "to think that you...that we" she gestured between them both and exhaled. "Forget it," she said with a wave of her hand. She walked over to the couch and picked up the keys that had fallen from his pocket earlier. "Here," she said as she handed them over. "I'll see you at work tomorrow. Lets just prettend that none of this ever happened, ok?" She looked down and bit her lip. "Goodnight Cal," she said softly as she walked past him to her bedroom.

He stood their with his keys in his hand. _You love her, you saw that look in her eyes, she loves you too, she wants you too. Forget about the fact that she's to good for you. You would do anything for her. And for some reason she loves you. Take any chance at happiness with her cause she ain't gonna stay forever. _He quickly turned around and walked fast to Gillian who was half way down the hall dropping his keys in the process.

TBC...


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